Mrs Smith Goes to Downton
by Downtonluvr
Summary: This is post Series 3 Episode 7 a few months after John has been released from jail and it goes A/U from there.  This story is in response to a prompt from allcoyledup who asked for a scene with Anna's mother meeting John.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story was in response to a prompt from allcoyledup who wanted to see how Anna's mother would respond when meeting John for the first time. These chapters are shorter than I normally write, but I'm hoping to be able to post a chapter every few days. A big thanks to a-lady-to-me and terriejane for reading through this and giving me feedback and encouragement. Hope you all enjoy it and please review.**

_**Part I**_

"We should leave now otherwise we'll miss her train coming into the station," John announced from their small sitting room. He fluffed one of the pillows on the settee and propped it up against the arm of the chair. He reached for his coat and put it on before fixing his bowler hat in place. "I'd hate to make her wait longer than necessary," he added. John checked himself in the small mirror by the door and removed the hat, smoothed his hair back once more and replaced the hat in its rightful place. He brushed some lint off his jacket and straightened his tie. "Anna?" he called out as he headed up the stairs to check on her. When he reached the landing she emerged from the washroom looking pale as a sheet and dabbed at her mouth with a wash cloth. She was still clad in her chemise and her hair hung down past her shoulders.

He felt horribly for her, looking as sick as she did, but he couldn't contain his joy at the cause of it all. They had just found out their were expecting a baby in five months time and the two of them could not be happier. It had come as a bit of a shock that it had happened so soon after his release from prison and a selfish side of him had hoped he might have had more time to himself with his wife before she had fallen pregnant. But seeing as how everything else in their relationship had been without haste he supposed this was one thing Anna would prefer not to put off any longer. After all she was in her mid-thirties now. Most women her age would have had three grown children scuttling around the house and he had not forgotten that night in the servants hall all those months ago when they had made plans of an inn by the sea filled with children while working side by side. Those plans were still in place but he ventured a guess that it wouldn't matter to Anna the order in which they came. He clutched at his cane nervously as he took in her appearance, wondering if it would be best for him to pick up his mother-in-law on his own so Anna could collect herself for a bit.

He found the prospect of having his first encounter with his mother-in-law without Anna present a little daunting, but if she was as sweet as Anna was, he was sure they would get along famously. At least he hoped so. He knew Anna had told her mother everything about his past for fear that her mother would hear it from someone else's lips or read about it in some newspaper when he had gone to trial. Anna's mother had expressed her disapproval of the situation and of course he had wanted to do right by Anna and give her the church wedding he was certain she had always dreamed of. But at Anna's insistence they could not and would not wait for Vera to stop dragging her feet and for a divorce to be granted. Not while the threat of jail for the murder of his estranged wife hung over his head. She wanted to be his next of kin in case things did not go in their favor. While he regretted it at the time, he was forever grateful for it when the verdict had been declared. Hearing Anna's painful cry in that courtroom had been like a knife to his chest, but she never doubted him, never failed to miss a visit with him every fortnight on her only half day. He couldn't have asked for a better person to be in his corner or call his wife.

"Maybe you should stay behind...lie down for a moment and drink some water. I could fetch your mother for you," he offered shyly.

Before he could speak another word she cut him off, "Absolutely not. I haven't had a chance to see my mother in ages."

It was true. The bi-weekly half day did not afford one much time to travel outside the realm of Downton. During his time in prison, Anna used her half days to take the two buses and visit with him for the one hour afforded to inmates. "_How much time had he stolen from her and from those who had loved her?"_ he often wondered. And prior to his imprisonment, he couldn't recall a time when Anna had left the Abbey to visit with her mother, other than the death of her brother, Peter at the front in the early years of the war.

"I want to be there when I introduce the man on my arm," she said, her voice breaking him from his thoughts.

John pretended to look around the room while keeping a straight face. "And where is this man?" he joked.

"Very funny Mr. Bates," she teased with a smile on her face. But the smile quickly faded again as she put a hand to her stomach and the other to cover her mouth. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. John started to talk to make sure she was alright but she held her hand up to stop him and opened her eyes again, "It passed, thank God." Her morning sickness usually faded after she had her morning tea, but today it seemed to persist longer than usual. "_It must be a case if nerves,"_ she thought to herself.

"You're certain you still want to come to the station with me?" he asked. This time John gave her his best puppy dog eyes as he placed his free hand gently on the barely perceptible bump of her stomach. "I don't want you overdoing it," he said with tender eyes. Even though Dr. Clarkson had assured her that she would be fine to perform her normal duties well into her sixth month of pregnancy, he had advised that she should rest more frequently.

"If this is what I have to look forward to the next few months, you can just march out of this room right now," she quipped.

An undeniable smirk graced his face. He had always loved that fire about her and found her stubbornness to be endearing. Perhaps their son or daughter would be lucky enough to inherit such traits. John smiled as his musings got the better of him.

"Now," she walked past him to the dress she had laid out on the bed, "I'll need your help putting my corset on."

John eyed Anna in her chemise; the thin fabric allowing him a glimpse of her silhouette and her taut stomach that barely showed any indication of another life growing beneath it. But it was most certainly there. At night, when she was free of all the layers of her Lady's maid uniform he would allow his palm to shield her stomach and could feel the skin that harvested and shielded their child. There was a barely noticeable bump, only the trained eye, one who was familiar with Anna in her purest form would have been able to distinguish the difference. It was still hard to believe that something, or rather someone, that he couldn't yet see already held such a huge piece of his heart. "Anna, I don't think you should be wearing that. You already said it was too tight before we found out you were pregnant," he pointed out.

"Yes, but I don't want my mother to know I'm pregnant right away," she said as she slid into the corset.

John shot her a look of confusion when he asked, "Why ever not?"

"I just think it would be best to ease her into the idea of me being married to…"

"A formerly convicted criminal?"

"No."

"An older man?"

"No."

"A cripple?"

"No. Not at all. Now you stop that this instance," she scolded, only this time it wasn't playfully.

John couldn't help himself, he knew he had so many shortcomings to contend with that would make him appear the least suited candidate for marriage to someone as fine as Anna. Or anyone for that matter. It wasn't the first time he thought it either, he had convinced himself years ago, the first time she ever shared a smile with him, that Anna was better off with another man. A younger man, that had the use of both legs, and hadn't been married before. A man that had so much more to offer than he ever could. He'd be lucky if Anna's mother would even give him the time of day, let alone accept him with open arms into her family. "I'm sorry," he quickly apologized. "It's just...I'd hate for your mother to disapprove of me and for it to cause a rift between the two of you." _What if she made Anna chose between her and him?_ He wouldn't blame Anna, but he knew he couldn't survive such rejection either.

"Well, then I guess you'll just have to charm her the way you did me," Anna said flirtatiously before standing on tip toes to place a kiss on his cheek.

He smiled weakly back at her and helped her with the ties of her corset as requested, taking care not to tie them as tightly as he had in the past. When he finished he placed a kiss on her bare shoulder. He watched as Anna slipped into her dress and fastened the buttons, then she put on her best hat that she reserved for church and special outings. He always loved her in her little hats, particularly this one as it had been an anniversary gift from himself.

Anna caught his reflection in the mirror as she brushed a loose hair back into place. She winked at him and dabbed some powder on her nose and pinched her cheeks to give herself a bit of color. "She'll be here for the next two weeks. Let's just enjoy our time together as the three of us for the first few days and once you are in her good graces we can make the announcement," she said.

"Whatever you want my darling. Though we best be going or we'll be late. I don't want to give your mother another reason to hate me," he said half joking.

"Well, we can't have that," she replied with a giggle.

John stood waiting for her in the door frame. He stepped aside to let Anna pass and admired her fine figure as she descended the stairs. When she reached the front door he held out her coat for her to put her arms in and smoothed it over her shoulders. She stepped outside in front of their cozy cottage and admired her flowers as John locked the door. John looped his arm for Anna to slip hers through. "Lord Grantham said we could use the car to fetch your mother. It will give your feet a rest and we wont have to juggle all her bags on the way back from the station," he relayed. "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," she said as they walked off towards the Abbey.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Alright so I posted this a little earlier than expected but only because I got so much done yesterday and I felt bad that you hadn't actually gotten to meet Mrs. Smith yet. I'm glad to see such positive feedback already. Thanks to a-lady-to-me and terriejane for reading through this again. Enjoy and please review :)**

**Part II**

"There's my girl," the older woman said as she stepped onto the platform. There was still a bit of steam swirling around them that had come off the wheels of the train as it came into the station. She was simply dressed in her Sunday best, a light blue skirt and a white blouse with a large straw hat; ever the country girl. She still had traces of blonde streaks in her graying hair, but it was a touch darker than Anna's. The country life had been kind to her; she didn't look a day over fifty, even though he knew otherwise. She had the same kind greyish-blue eyes as her daughter and a warm smile to match as she embraced Anna. When they pulled away from one another she handed Anna a tin of biscuits and some flowers. "That's from David, to congratulate you on your new home."

"_But not on the marriage,_" Anna silently noted to herself. "Oh, that was thoughtful of him," Anna replied hoping she hadn't sounded too hurt.

"You're brother wished he could come too. But someone has to keep the farm going," her mother explained.

"Of course," Anna said with a smile. After all it was the reason she had been sent to Downton in the first place. Anna's wages at Downton were more than she could ever hope to pull in for her fair share of labor on the farm. Once at Downton she had sent a portion of her earnings home to her mother and father until they had gotten back on their feet and even after they had gotten back on their feet she had continued to do so. That is until she had married John. After that the money she had always set aside for her family had gone into saving for their future hotel.

Anna's mother tilted her head to the side slightly as she took in her daughter's appearance. Her eyes squinting as she tried to pinpoint exactly what it was that was off with her daughter. "Are you feeling alright dear? You look as though you are going to be sick," her mother noted.

Her mother had always been so perceptive, perhaps she couldn't keep her pregnancy a secret as long as she thought. In truth, she did feel sick, all that bobbing around in the car had done little to settle Anna's stomach. Anna wanted to answer her but couldn't find it in her heart to lie to her mother. Thankfully John had no trouble stretching the truth. "It's the weather," he filled in. Mrs. Smith now craned her neck in curiosity towards the man who had been standing silently behind her daughter. "It's been rather unpredictable as of late. She'll be fine though. Won't you darling?" John asked.

"Yes," Anna nodded automatically is she fought off the urge to retch then and there. She forced a smile and felt her stomach calm when John placed his hand on the small of her back.

"You must be my daughter's husband. John is it?" she asked in an unreadable tone as she extended her hand.

John knew very well that Anna had told her his name before, but he had prepared himself for a bit of apprehension from Anna's mother and pretended not to notice. "That it is, Mrs. Smith," he said in the sweetest voice he could manage, taking her hand in return and shaking it. "I hope your trip was agreeable," John remarked.

"It was satisfactory," she answered quickly. "You can call me, Helen."

"That shouldn't be a problem," John said with a smile.

"You'll be a dear and grab my bags won't you, John?" she asked. "Or are you unable?" she said as her eyes followed down the length of his cane.

Anna bit her tongue but shot her mother a disapproving look.

"Not a problem. I can manage just fine," John said as he extended his hand to take her claim ticket. As John limped over to the luggage car he winked at Anna over his shoulder to assure her that he did not need her to take up arms for him.

"That was rather unnecessary," Anna commented.

"Well, how was I to know what he was able to do?"

"He's a working man mother, not an invalid," Anna shot back.

Helen turned to face Anna squarely, "Sweetheart, let's not let our reunion be marred by a quarrel. I meant nothing by it. If it makes you feel any better I'll apologize to him when he returns with my bags."

"No, I think that would only further serve to embarrass him. Just leave it be," Anna instructed.

John returned momentarily with the bags and hitched them up as best he could with his one arm. Anna offered to help, but knowing of her condition he didn't wish to have her carrying more than she had to. He pointed towards the car, "Well, ladies your carriage awaits."

"Oh, you both didn't have to go through such trouble for me," Helen responded.

"Nonsense, nothing is too much for you," John replied with a hint of sarcasm, but it had gone unnoticed. "Lord Grantham thinks very highly of Anna and wanted to make sure she and her mother were taken back to the cottage in style," he added.

"He only thinks highly of Anna?" Helen inquired as John loaded her bag onto the back of the car.

Anna's features hardened at what her mother was implying. "John's being modest mother. He was Lord Grantham's batman during the Boer War and took a piece of shrapnel to the knee saving Lord Grantham's life." Helen stood there with her mouth agape, but before she could say anything more Anna started up again. "In fact, he valued John's services so much he insisted that John stay on as his valet in spite of his injury," Anna said while attempting to maintain her composure. John gave his wife's hand a gentle squeeze as he helped her up into the car and gave her a cheeky grin in gratitude for fighting in his corner. Though this should have come as no surprise, since that is all she had ever done since the day they met.

"My, my, my Mr. Bates. You have a rather colorful past I must say," Helen replied as she patted the back of her hair into place.

"Don't we all," John shot back in a cool, even tone. And with that he extended his hand to help his mother-in-law into the back of the car and gave the door a small, but noticeable slam. He hopped in the front to allow Anna and her mother to share idle chit chat in the back, but found the remainder of the car ride to be a rather quiet one. It was certainly going to be an interesting two weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

**_A/N: I just want to thank all of you that have reviewed and read this so far. I was so happy to see everyone was enjoying this idea. I realize I kind of left Anna's mother out of this chapter, but we really came here for John and Anna (let's be honest). A big thanks again to a-lady-to-me and terriejane for reading through this and helping me out with developing this story. Hope you all enjoy and please review. _**

**Part III**

They had made it back to their cottage and Anna proudly walked her mother around their home, showing off their little garden that was in full bloom and the curtains that she and John had recently hung up. John had used his last half day to paint the spare room in anticipation of her arrival, taking heed of Anna's warning that there was to be no involvement of ladders. But with the news of their little bundle of joy on the way Anna was left with no choice when John insisted she was not to climb any ladders. She gladly accepted her fate, but was happy to bring him some fresh biscuits as he toiled away up there. "At least we'll have the painting out of the way for when the little one arrives," he had commented. The beaming smile that fixed itself on Anna's face after the words fell from his mouth took his breath away. It led to a very heated kiss, followed by a quick trip to the bedroom.

That happy moment seemed like a distant memory when his mother-in-law walked into the spare room to get herself settled in. The unimpressed look on her face said it all and when she described it as 'quaint' John had to exit the room before he let his sharp tongue get the better of him.

John had been outside chopping wood for about twenty minutes before Anna wandered into the yard to check on him, "John?" she asked in a soft voice. She knew her mother had been trying his patience and she was caught in the middle trying to play peace maker.

"Mhmm," John replied back as he steadied his hand to take another swing.

Anna wiped her wet hands on her apron as she stood just off the porch. "What do you think you're doing?" Anna asked as she shielded her eyes from the setting sun.

He dislodged the bit of the ax from the piece of wood he was working on and pulled back to swing again. "Chopping wood. What does it look like?" he countered sounding a bit out of breath. A bead of sweat began to trail down the side of his brow.

Anna took in his appearance and bit on her lower lip when she noticed that his sleeves were rolled up, showcasing his forearms. His jacket and vest had been discarded on the porch, neatly folded on his rocking chair. the only thing separating him from her lingering stare was his dress shirt. His arms moved with precision and caused his shoulder blades to flex with each hack of the blade He let out a guttural groan when the ax met the wood and watch how his lips curled with a sense of pride as the wood split in two. John finally removed his braces in frustration; they were holding him back. He pulled the ax behind his back and let the handle rest parallel with his shoulder blades, it stretched his muscles and made his chest seem broader. His large hands curled around the handle as he stared down the next piece of wood that he mounted on a stump in the yard. There was something very animalistic the way he walked around the stump, like he was circling his prey. He finally stopped in a different position, lined up his shot, and let a full blow rip from his core down to his arms. A sound like thunder claps filled the air. This time the wood broke in one swing. John gave a silent nod of approval as he removed a handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe at his brow.

"I was just thinking, it's not cold enough for a fire," she replied. Her eyes were still tracking him and she felt her heart beat quicken when his eyes met hers. That devilish lock of hair fell from the rest and hung above his eye. She immediately tried to shake her head of such thoughts while her mother was visiting.

"I know," he replied before returning the handkerchief to his pocket. John leaned over, exposing his backside to her as he grabbed another piece of wood from the pile and placed it on the stump.

"Is she that unbearable?" she asked. Though she ventured she already knew the answer to that question.

John had been in the middle of a swing when he let the blade fall at his side, he pursed his lips together as he chose his words wisely. "You told me once you could bear anything but to be without me," he said. "I think the least I can do is bear your mother for another thirteen days."

Anna smirked as she restrained a giggle, hoping her mother hadn't overheard him. She walked over to John and placed a kiss on his bottom lip, "Just don't stay out here too long. Dinner is on the stove."

As she walked away John couldn't help but stare at her. _How had he been so lucky to land such a woman? How had she managed to look past all his flaws and choose to marry him? _Maybe he would never know, but he didn't mind spending the rest of his life with her trying to figure it out.

* * *

Dinner had gone as smoothly as it could have. John mostly sat in silence while he let Anna and her mother get reaquainted. He'd chime in here and there but only when approached, which was usually due to Anna. After dinner he had offered to help Anna with the dishes and then headed upstairs to wash up after working up a sweat chopping the wood.

John was pleasantly surprised when he emerged from the washroom and found Anna already in her chemise and braiding her hair. "I didn't expect you to be up here so soon, I thought you'd want to knit or stay up and play a game of cards with your mother," he said.

"Mother wanted to head to bed early, she said she was exhausted from her trip," Anna explained. She had just put a ribbon in place when she caught his reflection in the mirror and noticed the smile creep up on his face.

He had always been oddly fascinated with her hair. Probably because the first few years that they had known each other he couldn't admit his feelings for her aloud. And he had no right to ask any more of her. Then when they had laid their cards out on the table he didn't do it for fear of messing it up and causing suspicion among their coworkers. Her hair was always held within the confines of her 'itchy hats' as she called them. She had allowed him to touch it once or twice before they were married, when they were able to steal a moment or two away from the rest of the staff. It wasn't until their wedding night that she had finally been able to let her hair down for him and he was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

"What?" Anna asked as she turned to face him.

John slowly lowered himself onto the bed while still maintaining eye contact, "Nothing. I was just thinking how gorgeous you look right now," he answered back in a rough voice. He interlocked his fingers and let his hands come to rest on his stomach.

"Well take a good look," Anna said as she stood from the seat in front of her vanity, "soon I will be as big as a house and you'll hardly recognize me."

"My darling, I will still look at you then like I do now. In fact, I'm certain I will adore you even more."

Anna walked over to the full length mirror and did a small turn as she scanned her body for any noticeable changes. She ran her hand across her stomach and pulled her gown a little tighter, searching for some sign of life beneath the surface. "Can you tell yet?" she asked John sweetly.

"Not from far away and certainly not with your many layers on," he answered honestly.

"Do you think my mother suspects?"

"I think she was more focused on me than she was on you," he joked. John extended his arm and held his hand out to reach her and waved for her to come closer and join him on the bed. Anna let her head drop a little and stared at the floor. "Anna, it's fine. I would expect nothing less. She's your mother and she's only concerned with your well being. She has every right to be suspicious of me given our unorthodox courtship and rushed wedding."

"Really? I just felt so horrible for you, having to field all her questions earlier," she said as she wiped at her eye with the back of her hand.

"Come here my love," John said as he tried to scoot closer to her side of the bed. He held his arms wide open to receive her and loved the way her scent filled his brain when her weight crushed against him. John ran a hand across her back and smoothed her hair before placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Your mother and I may not be best friends, but we'll work it out for you and the baby," he assured her.

"Why are you so good to me?" she asked with her head tilted up to see him properly.

"Because you are deserving of it. And you have shown me nothing but kindness and love since the moment we met," he expressed simply. "Please don't worry about it my darling, it's not good for you or the baby."

"I'll try," Anna said as she snuggled deeper into his side and wrapped her arms around his middle. John kissed her twice more on the top of her head for good measured and she smiled at the feel of his warm lips against her hair. "I'm sorry. I got your shirt all wet," Anna said.

"It's just a shirt. The important thing is do you feel better?" he asked.

"I do," she replied with a smile.

"Then it was worth it," he answered back.

Anna suddenly had a thought cross her mind and she began unbuttoning his undershirt.

"Anna...what are you doing?"

"I'm getting you out of that shirt," she said resolutely.

"Anna, your mother is just down the hall," he was suddenly whispering. But the feel of her nails dragging up against his skin felt heavenly and he was losing the urge to argue with her.

"Well, she's probably fast asleep by now," she replied with a wicked grin.

"Darling, not that I'm not enjoying these heightened days of passion that you are experiencing, but…"

Her lips pressed against his as she ran his fingers through his hair and cradled his head closer to hers. She was now sitting in his lap with her legs straddling him on either side. "But what?" she asked when she pulled away. "Does it bother you that your wife desires you so?" she all but growled into his ear as she nipped at his collar bone and freed the last of the buttons. Anna urged him forward and removed the shirt so she could get a better view of his hairy chest. She promptly tossed it on the floor across the room.

"To be quite honest I'm still pinching myself and finding it hard to believe I have a wife who desires me so," he replied. John ran his rough hands down the side of her smooth legs and calves that were perched on either side of him.

"Believe," Anna whispered into his mouth as she sunk down on top of him, clenching the heel of her foot against his hips. She felt him smile against her mouth and began to slip the strap of her chemise off of her shoulder.

John pulled her flush against his body and helped her with the other strap when he whispered back in a husky voice, "You naughty girl."

The both broke into a fit of giggles and immediately covered their mouths, hoping to to avoid any questions from her mother the following morning. "Yes, but I'm your naughty girl, Mr. Bates," Anna shot back as she extended the letters of his surname. He put an end to her teasing by kissing her once more. The two of them were happier than they could ever imagine within the safety of these four walls.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I wanted to thank you all for the amazing reviews. Again this chapter is sort of lacking on Mrs. Smith, but I had to create some tension between her and John. She will play a bigger part in the upcoming chapters I swear. Thanks to a-lady-to-me and terriejane for reading through this again. Enjoy and please review :)**

**Part IV**

John rolled over lackadaisically and took a moment to observe his beautiful wife who appeared so content in her slumber. He reached to his bedside table for his pocket watch and saw that it read seven in the morning. Which normally would not have been bad for a day off, but John was quickly reminded that his mother-in-law was staying just down the hallway and possibly waiting on them. Knowing that Anna had been consistently having rough mornings due to her pregnancy he decided to let her sleep a little longer. Before rolling out of bed he kissed Anna's brow and then placed a kiss on her belly where their baby slept.

He had just risen to his feet when he heard the shuffling of blankets from behind him. "How long have you been doing that?" she asked in a gruff voice.

"Since you told me about the baby," he answered honestly. John ran a hand across his chin and knew he would need to shave. He pulled his undershirt over his head and slipped his pants on. "I thought I'd get breakfast started, are you craving anything in particular?"

Anna shook her head in a 'no' motion and John let out an exasperated sigh. Anna attempted to distract him when she playfully reminded her husband, "You don't know how to make breakfast."

"That's true. But for you I'd try my hand at it till I got it just right," he said with a smile. John held her hand with the utmost care and brought it to his lips to place a kiss in her palm. The silence was broken by the sound of Anna's stomach rumbling and they both laughed together as John rubbed his hand across her stomach. "This baby is being very demanding already," he teased. "Are you sure I can't entice you to atleast have some tea?"

"Oh, alright, but only for you," Anna said as she burrowed her head further into the pillow.

John tucked the blankets a little more tightly around her before making his way down stairs. He promptly began to boil a pot of water for the tea and set about getting some bread, butter, and fruit for Anna. He had hoped that if he brought it all up on a tray to her that maybe he could convince her to eat a little more than she had been lately. As he cut up some fresh strawberries he heard a rustling behind him that sounded like newspaper and turned to see the silhouette of his mother-in-law sitting by the window on the settee reading the paper. "I'm sorry, I hope I didn't wake you," he apologized. He was glad he had sense enough to change before he went downstairs, lest he give his mother-in-law a scare.

"Oh that's quite alright, I've been awake for quite some time. It's habit from working on the farm," she said and John went back to cutting the strawberries. "But I must say I am intrigued that the two of you slept in so long considering your work normally requires you both to be up earlier."

John's eyes were trained on the wall above the sink, he gave a small roll of the eyes but put on the best smile he could muster when he turned to face Helen. "Well, it's not often we get a proper lie in. One half day every two weeks isn't really enough time to get caught up on sleep and get our chores done around the cottage. This is the first time since I've known Anna that she's taken off more than a day and she chose to spend it with you," he replied. John was met with silence and a hint of a glare. "There. That seemed to quiet her," he thought to himself. He could almost feel the air in cottage drop in temperature. "Can I offer you some tea or coffee?"

"Coffee will be fine. Thank you," she replied before turning her eyes back to the newspaper.

"I'll get it for you as soon as I take Anna up her tray," John said as he set the last of the strawberries into a bowl.

Mrs. Smith suddenly let the paper fall forward and her eyes met with John. "Is she ill?" she asked with concern.

John didn't like the idea of lying to his mother-in-law, even if it only was a white lie. But he wanted to respect Anna's wishes and keep their secret until he was in Helen's good graces. "No, I just thought I'd do something nice for her is all," he said before swallowing hard.

"Do you both plan on attending church today? Or should I make arrangements to go on my own?" Helen asked.

"I'm sure Anna and I will still be going," John said as he began to climb the stairs. His cane hanging over his wrist and the tray balanced in his hands. He couldn't get away from Helen soon enough.

* * *

They had gone to church not just out of duty, but because Anna truly enjoyed it and he truly enjoyed his wife. John would sit through a thousand sermons, regardless of his religious preferences, if it meant that he got a few extra minutes to sit at his wife's side, with her hand wrapped in his, and listening to her glorious voice as she sang the hymns. He had been raised a Catholic, but he supposed that was a given when one was brought up in an Irish household. John had never minded attending church with his mother, but he did have trouble coming to terms with the idea that a God would allow his faithful followers to endure so much all in the name of testing one's faith. Still he went through the motions and when they left Anna suggested that once they had eaten lunch together they should head to the fair that had come to town. John would be returning back to work the following day so really it was the last day he'd be able to spend with both Anna and Helen properly before his next half day.

"I'm glad to see that Anna was able to meet a man of faith," Helen remarked as they embarked toward the village square where the fair was to be held. John let out a half chuckle, but tried to rein it in so as not to completely offend the elder of the two ladies. "Is there something funny about what I said?" she asked curiously.

"No, not at all, it's just I'm not sure I'd call myself a man of faith," he explained. "The truth of the matter is my faith lies with Anna. She has never given me reason to doubt and has believed in me more than anyone else ever did," John said as he extended a smile to his wife. She blushed and tried not to look too taken with his words in the presence of her mother.

"And how do you intend to raise your children, whenever you have them?" Helen asked. "Will they be attending church?"

Anna and John shared a knowing glance as they continued to walk hand in hand. "I don't see why not. If church helps to make our children anything like Anna then I am all for it," John boasted as he looked over at his wife with pride.

This seemed to satisfy Helen and she gave a silent nod of approval as they continued to make their way toward the village. It wasn't a huge step, but it was a start. John only hoped they could find some common ground before Helen had to leave so that Anna could experience the joy of telling her mother that she was going to become a mother herself. It was bad enough that her mother had not been able to attend their wedding, John would not deny Anna this experience as well.

* * *

When they arrived at the fair, Helen ventured to only a few stalls with them before deciding to head over to the post office to send a telegram to her son. She said she might poke into a shop or two, insisting that fairs were better spent on the young. "Do you think she's having a good time? " Anna asked.

"I'm not sure," John said as they made their way over to one of the sweet stands and stood in line. Anna looked disappointed as she watched her mother become smaller in the distance. John placed the tip of his forefinger under her chin and tilted her head up to face him. "But, I'm not concerned with her. The question is are you having a good time?"

Anna nodded and let her hand come up to rest on his, knowing that a year ago being out in public with her husband had been nothing more than a dream. Yet here she was feeling the weight of his hand in her own, watching him pour every ounce of love into his words as he spoke to her, and staring at her like she was the only girl in the world. A love like theirs was something to behold and she counted her blessings everyday to have a love like it with a man as good and true as her husband. Their romantic moment was interrupted by the vendor that called out for the next customer in line and John insisted she should indulge in whatever her heart desired. Anna eventually settled on a caramel covered apple while John chose a penny lick knowing full well his wife would want a little of both. Before he even finished his, he gladly handed the remainder to her. "You are eating for two, it's only right that you get two treats," he commented.

"Charmer," she replied back.

"What would you like to do next? Perhaps a turn on the merry-go-round? Or one of the ring toss games?" he suggested.

Anna clutched at her stomach, "No merry-go-round for me. A game sounds lovely though. Perhaps you can win me a prize or two."

"It would be my pleasure," John said as he looped his arm for her to slide hers into.

* * *

The smell of sweet treats and the organ music that spilled out from the merry-go-round filled the air. John loved the way his wife's face lit up like a child as he attempted to best the ring toss game, even if it was at his expense. It almost made him sorry that they had missed their opportunity to attend the fair in his first years at Downton. But he wouldn't take back a moment of it. He'd been able to repay a favor for her kindness that fateful night and he was sure that it had sparked something in Anna to extend her hand to him in the months that followed.

John stared at the last two coins that sat in his hand, he and Anna had promised each other they wouldn't spend more than what he brought in his pocket. That they had to save every pence they could for the arrival of the baby, with the knowledge that the arrival of their little one meant Anna would no longer be in service. "Perhaps our money would have been better spent on the high striker," Anna said with a grin. "We know you can swing an axe, a hammer shouldn't be too much different."

John's eyebrows raised in eager anticipation as they walked over to the stall for the high striker. They both waited for John's turn and he gladly handed over the coins in his hand to the person manning the booth. He handed him the mallet and told John he would only get three turns. John scoffed at the insinuation and as he walked past Anna to hand her his jacket muttered under his breath, "I won't need three turns. It's time we separate the men from the boys." Anna didn't dare hide her glee at the sound of his words. And much like he had for the wood the day before the lever was struck with enough force to send the puck soaring in the air and striking the bell. Anna clapped at his victory as he strutted back over to her with his prize. "For the baby," John said as he handed her a tiny teddy bear.

"The baby's first gift," Anna said and was moved to tears. She caressed the brown fur of the cuddly, stuffed animal and adjusted the limp bow that was tied neatly around its neck. Anna didn't have trouble imagining their little one sleeping or playing with the bear for years to come. "It's lovely and it's only right it should come from its father," she said sweetly.

John was taken aback by her words. It wasn't as if he hadn't known they were having a baby or that he would be a father, but it was the first time that Anna had referred to him that way. Reality had sunk in at that moment that he, John Bates, would eventually be a father and could not imagine a more perfect reality with Anna at his side.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This chapter finally features a little bit more of Mrs. Smith for those of you that have been eagerly awaiting some sort of confrontation between her and Anna or her and John. I'm sorry to say I will not be updating this one again for a couple of days as I'm trying to update another fic and get a head on this one a little more. But I should be posting another update for this in a few days. I'm glad to see you all are still enjoying this this little take on the Bates/Smith family and thanks so much for the reviews. I haven't had time to respond individually but they are encouraging. Hope you all enjoy this latest update.**

**Part V**

John awoke before the sun had even begun to rise and got out of bed to get ready for work. He hated to leave his bed knowing that Anna would not be joining him at the big house but he was glad to see her sleeping so soundly. He was glad of that at least, when they had returned from the fair the night before Anna had said she felt run down but couldn't seem to get comfortable in bed. Now as he gazed upon her in the bit of candlelight that played upon her fair features he had to resist the urge to kiss her so that she might catch up on some much needed rest.

A few minutes later, John stood shaving in the bathroom when he felt two warm arms surround him and settle around his waist. Her head rested in the space between his shoulders but not nearly reaching because of their height difference. John set the blade down on the sink and turned in her arms to face her, "You're supposed to be sleeping, Mrs. Bates."

Anna pouted her lip a little, her eyes still clouded with sleep, and said, "I can't sleep without you beside me."

"You miss me that much?" John asked innocently.

His voice was so sweet and his eyes so tender upon her as he spoke that it threatened to break her heart. "Well that...and you take the warmth with you," she said.

"Ah, I wondered why you kept me around," he teased. John's arms were now resting on her hips, his thumbs tracing small circles against the soft fabric of her night gown.

John's right cheek was still covered in shaving cream, but Anna didn't seem to mind. Instead she reached around John to grab his razor and picked up where he had left off. Anna had always been rather infatuated with the way John shaved: the closeness of the razor to his skin, the indescribable smoothness of his cheek after he was done, and the smell of his aftershave the seemed to mix with the smell of his soap and pomade in the most erotic fashion. She was transfixed by his large hands and the way they moved with such tenderness and precision, a practiced ease that ensured he didn't nick himself with the edge of the blade.

_Not long after he had been released from prison when he caught her watching him, Anna asked if she could try her hand at helping him shave. Without thinking twice he let her and it was the most intimate thing he had ever experienced outside of making love to his wife. The way her body brushed up against his as she moved around him to get just the right angle; always careful not to cut him. She would tug at his hair gently to move his head forward and back and occasionally ran her fingers through it for good measure. At one point Anna had leaned over to clean up his side burns and he had caught a glimpse of her breasts down the front of her dress. It was enough to drive him mad. As he sat back in the chair he promptly grabbed her, still being mindful of the blade and pulled her down onto his lap so that she was straddling him. He could hold back no more and covered her in lather filled kisses before she had a chance to react. _

Now as he sat there lost in that most perfect of memories she removed the last of the shaving cream from his face and stood up on tip toe to give him a kiss. "I have other uses for you," Anna said. She felt him smile against her mouth and turned her head to the side to rub her cheek against his, "Say, I'm getting pretty good at that. I think this is your closest shave yet."

John's eyes were still closed, lost in the spell that his nymph of a wife had cast over him. "Oh I don't know, I think you could get a little closer than that," John said as he held back a mischievous grin.

"You think?" she asked as her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Mm Hmm," John replied as he bent to her level so she wouldn't have to stretch up. She leaned forward once more, except this time John opened his eyes and took her in his arms. He lifted her above the ground and spun her around in their tiny bathroom while he peppered her neck , cheek, and mouth with kisses.

"I shall miss you today my husband," she said in a light-hearted tone.

"Not as much as I'll miss you, wife," he replied playfully before he set her back down on the ground.

"Do you think you'll be able to come home for lunch?" she asked.

John only had eyes for his beautiful wife, it always amazed him to discover that he wasn't dreaming whenever she was in his arms. Sometimes he feared going to bed, wondering if he would wake up back in the hell hole that was his prison cell in York. But this was no dream. No. This was better. He had found his own little slice of heaven in this cottage with Anna. "If it's what you want, I'd never pass up an opportunity to spend more time with you," John said as he brushed a loose strand of hair over her shoulder. "I just wasn't sure what your plans were, I thought I'd give you some private time with your mother."

"I hate to admit it, but I may need a break from her at that point," she said half-joking. They both shared a smile as he ran his hands up and down her side.

"Then I'll come, but only if you agree to get back in bed and go to sleep. I want you taking it easy today if you are still feeling tired," he ordered in a gentle tone.

"Yes, sir," Anna replied as she mocked giving him a salute. She gave him one last hug and kiss before traipsing back to their bed.

John finished getting ready and before leaving he placed an extra quilt on the bed, "I know it's not the same, but this will have to keep you warm until I get back." He kissed her belly just as he had the day before and came up to place a slow, passionate kiss on her lips.

"It will do for now," she said. John smiled at her and blew out his candle before exiting their bedroom. Anna listened for the sounds of him heading down the stairs and eventually the click of the handle on the front door as it shut. It was odd staying behind while he was off to work at the big house, but she wanted to make the most of her time with her mother. The visit had been long over due and she imagined that once the baby arrived the opportunity for another one in the future would become more impossible. Anna absentmindedly ran a hand across her stomach as she imagined what their child would look like. Anna hoped she could give John a son to carry on the family name; preferably one who looked the spitting image of his father.

* * *

Anna woke naturally a few hours later to find that her mother had already set about tidying up the cottage, even though not much work was needed. Her mother picked up the teddy bear that John had won her the day before and observed it for a moment as she turned it about in her hand. "Seems a waste to have spent your money on something as silly as a bear," Helen said when she caught Anna watching her.

Anna pulled her shawl around her shoulders a little tighter and walked into the kitchen to begin making a cup of tea for herself. "John got it as a gift for me," Anna said as she fished around the cupboards for a powder to rid herself of a headache that was becoming more adamant with each word her mother spoke.

"My statement still stands," her mother replied a little too sharply.

Anna let out an exasperated sigh as she pulled a teacup from the cupboard. "He wanted to get something to commemorate...to celebrate our first trip to the fair together," she lied.

"You've known John for nearly ten years and you've just barely attended a fair together for the first time?" Helen asked her daughter in disbelief.

"Well, the fairs don't come around all the time," Anna pointed out. "John was away the first year and a half that we were married," Anna said regretfully.

"In prison," her mother filled in. "For the murder of his former wife."

"Yes, but he was falsely accused and the charges were dropped," Anna corrected her mother.

"And before that?" her mother probed.

"He was living in London, trying to find evidence of his wife's infidelity to speed up the divorce proceedings with his lawyer," Anna added.

"With his wife I'm sure. While he strung you along," her mother accused.

"No, John would never," Anna continued to defend her husband.

"Anna, I raised you better than this. What are you doing with a man like that?" Helen admonished her.

"A man like that?" she repeated her mother's words. "That man was injured fighting for king and country, he saved the life of his friend, and has loved me with his whole heart. If you must know the reason he waited so long to marry me was that he wanted to secure a divorce so that he wouldn't drag my name through the mud." Her mother sat there waiting for her to stop, but Anna May Bates showed no sign of stopping. "The first fair we were supposed to go to, I became ill and was sent up to my room at Downton. Instead of going ahead, John thoughtfully prepared a tray of food and carried it up several flights of stairs so that I may have something to eat."

"I didn't know," her mother said in response when she finally found her voice again.

"And how could you? You haven't so much as said a kind word to John that wasn't somehow cloaked in ridicule or contempt," Anna said.

"Now that's not entirely fair," her mother started, but Anna quickly cut her off.

"No more fair than the way you treated him," Anna said.

"Can you blame me? I keep wondering what the next secret is that you will unearth," her mother continued.

"He wanted to keep things private not secret. My husband holds no secrets from me," Anna said firmly. "Besides, isn't it you that's always saying the key to business is to mind your own? Can't you just be happy for me that I found someone to love that loves me back just as much?"

"Anna…" her mother pleaded.

"I won't hear of this anymore. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all," Anna said before heading to the back porch.

* * *

Anna leaned against the post that held up the roof over their porch and was quite taken aback by her actions. She had never raised her voice to anyone; least of all her mother. She was proud of herself for standing up for John, but she was also ashamed of herself for the way she treated her mother. Anna closed her eyes and began to pray, "Dear Lord, forgive me for the words I spoke out of anger. I love my mother dearly but I love John as well. I don't know how...but I wish you'd find a way to bring them together. Amen."

She sat out there after that in silence, observing their tiny yard, for how long she did not know. Suddenly she heard the creak of a floorboard and turned to see John standing there. A stream of tears came flooding down her cheeks. "John," she muttered into his chest. The force of her embrace nearly knocked him off balance.

"Hey, what's this? What happened?" John asked as he wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pad of his thumbs. "I came in and couldn't find you or your mother. I got worried."

"We had a quarrel," she said as a fresh set of tears fell down her face.

"About what?" he asked.

She didn't know if she should answer him. What if it only led to further turmoil between the two of them? "About you," she answered softly.

John had wondered how long it would be before his past mistakes had caught up to him. He knew full well that people would have misgivings about him, but he had hoped to spare Anna the suffering that had followed him like a veil of shadows. "I'm sure whatever she said was true," was all he said.

"John…" she begged.

"Anna, I wont be responsible for coming between you and your mother. I don't need you to fight my battles for me," he said.

She fixed him with a determined look, one he had seen many times before and knew better than to try to sway her. "Do you remember what happened the last time you tried doing something gallant? You can't take it lying down, because you are not guilty of any wrong. And before she leaves I'm going to prove it to her."

"Are you now?" he asked with a coy smile. She smiled through her tears and felt his fingers stop at the cool metal that surrounded her ring finger. His thumbs traced over it and brought her hand to his lips so that he could place a kiss there. "I will not have you crying anymore tears over me and my actions. Let me speak with her and try to smooth things over, hmmm?"

"You'd do that for me?" she asked.

"Especially for you," he replied with a smile. "You are my wife and I love you more than anything. Now come inside and I'll see what I can rustle up for us to eat. Perhaps I can entice your mother to come down and eat with us."

"With your cooking? I thought you were trying to get her to like you," Anna teased.

"Careful Mrs. Bates, you are treading on thin ice," he warned with a boyish grin.

* * *

John had arrived home earlier than usual that night after Lord Grantham had indulged a little too much in the wine being served at a dinner party. Still it was well past ten in the evening and he was certain that Anna and Helen would already be getting ready for bed if they hadn't already fallen asleep. As he made his way down the path to their cottage he saw that the lights upstairs were off, but a small light still burned downstairs. Anna must have left the light on for him and gone to bed early he thought with a small smile. He knew this pregnancy hadn't exactly been kind to her so far. But Dr. Clarkson assured her everything she was going through was normal and that she could be having a harder time with things due to being a first time mother at her age. If she was still awake when he reached the house he'd give her a foot massage, that always seemed to relax her.

John gently open and closed the door, taking extra care to keep the sound to a minimum so as not to wake anyone that might be sleeping. He shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the hook and did the same with his bowler hat. When he went to turn off the lamp that had been left on he was surprised to see Helen sitting at the kitchen table reading a book. She barely acknowledged his arrival as he walked over to the small dining table. Upon closer observation, John noticed it was one of his own, Anna Karenina. He had to admit he was rather surprised to see his mother-in-law thumbing through such a controversial piece. But then again, Anna had picked it out, so he supposed the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. "I must say, I didn't expect you to be up this late," John said as he took a seat across Helen.

"Another habit from the farm," she said with a hint of a smile. "We work late into the evening and wake before the sun."

"Has Anna already gone to bed?" he asked.

"I'm not sure if she's sleeping, but yes she headed up there about a half hour ago," she replied.

He swallowed hard as he loosened his tie and pulled up a chair and eased himself into it. Mrs. Smith was proving to be a tough nut to crack, but he had promised Anna that he would make an effort to get along and so here he was sitting in silence across from the older lady. "Are you enjoying your stay here so far?" he asked in an attempt to make small talk.

"It's been nice catching up with Anna," she replied with her eyes still fixed to the page.

"Is there something in particular that I have done to upset you or rub you the wrong way?" he asked.

"No. Why do you ask?" she countered calmly.

"Well, I get the feeling you don't like me. And while it makes no difference to me whether I am liked or not, it makes a difference to Anna. I'm not saying we have to be best friends but I would very much like us to get along," he said with the utmost sincerity.

"Very well," she said as she shut the book with a thud. She then set the book down and turned to face John head on. "If you must know, I think my daughter would have been better off without you. Ever since she met you we hardly hear from her or see her. The few times we have heard from her, it has been nothing but bad news and heartache," she explained and watched as John's face fell. "First there was your sham of a marriage, then there was the way you led her on only to leave her when you ran back to your wife," she said and John averted his eyes. "Oh yes, she told me about that. Of course I didn't hear about it until you were on trial for the murder of said wife. And after you ran off to marry her like a thief in the night after paying for a divorce." She didn't even allow him a moment to come back from the verbal blow she had driven into him. It wasn't as if he wasn't aware of his troubled past, but to hear it put so bluntly was a bit of a shock. "And what if you had been sent to the gallows, she would have have been the widower of a murderer. I'm just glad she didn't fall pregnant in that time. Can you imagine if she had been left stranded with a child to care for?"

John sat there feeling worse than he had in months. He knew it shouldn't bother him now that everything had worked out the way they wanted it to. But the truth was he would always feel horrible for dragging Anna into his troubles, no matter what reassurances she had made on their wedding night. These were the thoughts that had tormented him as he rotted away in that prison and watched his wife age by years in a matter of weeks as despair and loneliness took over her world.

She went on, "And what about now?"

"What about now?"

"You come home late at night from your job, and yes I realize Anna works at the Abbey too, but what will happen when you have children? Will she be left at home to raise them on her own, only to have you help out when you can in the wee hours of the night or every other week when you have a half day?" she asked.

"Well, we don't plan to be in service forever," he expressed trying to stand his ground. But before he could go on she started into him again.

"And what about when you can't work anymore? If your leg gets worse? Will my daughter be left trying to juggle her job and taking care of you?" she asked.

He couldn't hate her for asking such things, but it didn't take the sting out of the words. The truth was he knew he was older than Anna and that his age could very possibly leave her taking care of him in their later years or worse, he could leave her all alone before his time.

"I want to make it clear, John. I do not hate you," she said. And while she was no taller than Anna her presence took on a very large form in that moment. Her eyes were shooting daggers his way and her face remained rigged as she spoke. "When you have children-if you have children," she corrected herself, "You will understand why you must fight so fiercely to protect your own."

"I know, I have not always made the best decisions," he finally said. "But I cannot and do not regret loving your daughter. And whether you believe me or not, she chose me...she had me from the moment we exchanged 'hellos'. I only came to Downton for the possibility of a job and to get away from my wife because we did not love each other anymore, but she refused to give me a divorce. But you see, it's because of the way you raised your daughter to be so kind to others, even when they probably don't deserve it, that I am with her. She showed me more kindness, generosity, and love than I could have ever hoped for in those first years at Downton. She was my only friend for a time," he said. John wasn't sure if she was really absorbing what he was saying, but at least she had allowed him to speak his piece.

"I knew Anna was falling for me and try as I might, I wanted to keep her at arm's length. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I discouraged her and even revealed parts of my past I probably shouldn't have in hopes that it would make her see sense. But she gets her fire from you," he said honestly and that seemed to get her attention. She wasn't looking at him with complete contempt anymore and there was a glimmer of intrigue on her face as he spoke. "Every time I had another problem at my doorstep it was Anna who was always there to support me or offer a solution. She offered me her hand, she insisted we marry, it's she who never doubts not in me or anything else. I guess you could say that's what I love most about her," he continued. He thought he saw Helen's features soften a bit at his words. "I don't think you and I have much in common, but I will say there is one thing we can agree on."

"And what's that?" she asked indignantly.

"We both don't know what Anna sees in me," he replied simply. John noticed she gave a slight roll of the eyes but kept on listening to him. "The difference is, you are so eager to prove that I am wrong for her. When I am only eager to prove her right. I want to give Anna a reason to believe she made the right choice by putting her faith in me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I'll love her even after I take my last breath." They both sat there staring each other down after that. Each considering what the other had said as they looked at one another. When John determined that neither of them had nothing further to say on the matter he excused himself, wished Helen a good night and headed up to bed to catch some sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm glad to see you all are still enjoying this this little take on the Bates/Smith family, the feedback means so much. Sorry this one is so short, but I have some beefier chapters coming up. I know I'm writing Mrs. Smith as a bit of a handful, but I swear she's got a softer side in there that will show up sooner or later :) I have to extend my gratitude to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane once again for all their help with this story. **

**Part VI**

_A few days later…_

John had been hard at work in the boot room cleaning up Lord Grantham's riding boots when he heard Mrs. Hughes enter the doorway. "There you are Mr. Bates? I missed you this morning at breakfast."

"I ate at home," John answered as he put a little more elbow grease into the boots.

"Oh, did Anna make breakfast before you left?" she asked. This sort of personal conversation would normally not take place between the housekeeper and the servants, but given her unique relationship with the valet and lady's maid it had become normal to have these sort of daily exchanges.

"No. I tried to make some breakfast for my mother-in-law this morning," he said. "You know, extend the olive branch as it were."

"I take it you and Mrs. Smith aren't quite hitting it off then?" Mrs. Hughes asked as she walked further into the boot room.

"Not exactly. But I'm also not the type of guy you would be bragging about if I married your daughter," John said as he set the first boot down on the table. He picked up the next boot and set to work with the brush once more.

"Oh I don't know about that. I consider Anna like a daughter and I have nothing but good things to say about you," she said with a smile. John looked at her with a raised eyebrow before smiling back at the housekeeper. "I'll admit, I had my misgivings about you in the beginning. Any mother who really cared about their child would. But time and time again you proved me wrong. You demonstrated to everyone in this house how much you love Anna and she makes no secret of her feelings for you," she said.

"Everyone?" he asked.

"Even Thomas and O'Brien. Quite frankly if you can make believers out of them, I should think convincing Mrs. Smith should be a piece of cake," Mrs. Hughes said.

The two of them laughed for a moment before he said, "I certainly hope so. Right now I'm more concerned about Anna's welfare. The doctor told her to take it easy and relax and I feel like this tension is causing her undue stress."

"Perhaps, you could do something special for her-just the two of you," she suggested.

"I'm one step ahead of you. I bought this a few days ago," John said as he removed a piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolded the paper to unveil his plan, "it should be here by next week. What do you think?"

Mrs. Hughes picked up the piece of paper gently and smiled at the valet, "A crib?" John nodded in agreement. "It is lovely, but…"

"But?"

"Did you not think Anna might want to pick out a crib with you?" she asked.

"I considered that, but we rarely get time to go out shopping for anything even on our half days. There are only a few months between now and the baby's due date. I just thought if I did this on my own, she would see how excited I am about this," he explained. "I did make plans to do something with her today as well, but it's a surprise."

"That sounds wonderful. I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture, whatever it may be," she responded.

John still stared at the piece of paper proudly as if he had built it himself. In truth, he would have if he had the time or the know how for wood work. Somehow buying this crib made their baby all the more real and he was absolutely infatuated with it. He only hoped that Anna loved the crib as much as he did when she saw it. "Thank you Mrs. Hughes," he said as he tucked the paper back into his pocket. "Your advice and opinions mean the world to me. I best be off now so I can leave early and meet up with Anna in the village."

* * *

John knew Anna had plans to pop into the village that afternoon by herself, sighting that things between she and her mother were still tense since their verbal disagreement. She said she needed a break away from it all and would be stocking up on some things from the market and posting some mail around noon. John figured if he could wrap up his chores and save his errands for Mr. Carson and Lord Grantham for later, he could head her off and meet up with her for lunch. So long as he was back to change Lord Grantham again for dinner there shouldn't be any chance of him running late. And even so, Mr. Carson could easily send Thomas to change him, since he was picking up some things for the butler.

He waited until after Lord Grantham finished up his meal and made his way into the village. When he came upon her standing outside of one of the shops looking so smart in her regular clothing. He'd love her no matter what she wore of course, but seeing her out of her uniform was always a sight to behold. The color of her personal dresses were such a nice touch compared to her drab, black uniform. The way it clung and hugged her dainty frame so perfectly. She stood up tall with her head held high, her golden, blonde locks pinned up, and the same white blouse she had worn on their wedding day. He smiled when he saw her rub a hand across her stomach and let out a content sigh. John snuck up behind her and placed his hands over her eyes, "Guess who?" He could already feel her smile as her cheeks twitched against the palm of his hands.

Anna let out a giggle, "I don't need to guess. I'd know those hands and that voice anywhere." John lowered his hands and she turned to face him, "This is quite the surprise. Did you plan this?"

"Indeed. Sometimes good things come from my brooding," he said with a hint of a smile.

"But why?" she asked.

"I thought you could use a break from your mother and also...I miss you terribly," he said. John let his hand reach down to meet Anna's and gave it a gentle squeeze.

* * *

They found a little table in the corner of the hotel restaurant, John hung his cane over the back of the chair and held her hand the whole time. After years of not being able to out of propriety and then being denied for a year and a half while he was in prison, he took advantage of every moment he could to hold her hand. John had removed his leather gloves so that he could feel his skin against hers. Her skin felt so soft against his and somehow still had the ability to make him recall all those times that she could only use her hands to comfort him. How far they had come from accidental grazes against one another in the corridors of Downton to stolen moments in the courtyard, or from promising themselves to one another on their wedding day to a brief moment of salvation in a Yorkshire prison. But now she was his to hold for as long as he wanted and his tender but firm grasp was just another symbol to the world that they belonged to one another.

John watched with intrigue as Anna quickly devoured two jam tarts before he could even start on one. "I'm glad to see you are getting your appetite back," he commented.

"I don't know what came over me, I feel better just being here with you," she said with a smile as she dabbed at the side of her mouth with her napkin.

"Well, I'm delighted to hear that. And your coloring is looking much better," he noted. "You're faring much better than Lady Mary, I can tell you that."

"Oh really? I hope she's alright," Anna said. She may have been an employee, but she did care for Lady Mary like a sister and hated to hear that her Lady was in distress while she was taking time off.

"More than alright! She and Mr. Matthew announced today that she is with child. Not far behind you, my darling," John said optimistically.

Anna's eyes lit up, knowing that her Lady had travelled to London just a few months before in hopes to correct a problem with her to increase her and Mr. Matthew's chances of conceiving a child. "That's wonderful news. You'll have to extend my congratulations to her until I have a chance to do it properly when I return to the Abbey."

"I'll be sure to do that," John said as he poured them both a spot of tea and prepared Anna's just the way she liked it. "What is your mother up to today?" he asked.

"Do you really want to know?" she countered.

"Of course I do. We may not be on the best of terms, but she's still your mother and I know you care about her," he said attempting to feign interest.

Anna knew he wasn't really interested, but she loved him all the more for trying to be. "She's working on some knitting at home and then composing a letter to my brother. I'm sure she's telling him what a disappointment I am," Anna said as her eyes dropped to her lap.

"Don't say such things. You are many things Anna May Bates, but a disappointment is not one of them," John said as he saw the corners of her lips begin to turn. Her cheeks flushed red at his words and her bright blue eyes could have swallowed him whole with the intensity that was burning through him. "We are going to have a baby, this is supposed to be a time of joy and celebration. After all we've been through we are more than deserving of that and I won't let your mother make you feel that you are not worthy."

Anna beamed back at him and looked like a weight had been lifted from her shoulder. "John Bates, I would marry you now if I wasn't already your wife." Anna leaned forward and let her lips softly press against his, it was chaste but it conveyed all she needed to in a single action. Her lips said more than her voice could in that moment. While it wasn't considered scandalous to kiss one's husband in public she certainly was pushing the limits as she leaned into him a little more than usual. He knew she needed that reassurance and it brought her an overwhelming sense of relief.

"You know Mrs. Bates, sometimes I wonder if your mother should be looking out for me instead of you. You can be a horrible influence," John said with a flirtatious smirk as he leaned in to kiss her once more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Part VII**

Helen would be leaving in another week and they were no closer now to getting her mother to liking John than they were the day her mother arrived. As Anna hung some clothes to dry on the line in the yard she wondered if it would be better to just tell her about the pregnancy now. Maybe if she knew she was going to be a grandmother soon, she would be so overcome with excitement, she would forget all about her misgivings towards John. It was a long shot, but it might be worth a try. Anna bent over to pick up another piece of laundry from the basket and removed one of the clothespins from her apron and reached up to put John's shirt on the line. As she went to grab the second clothespin to hang the other sleeve she felt a sharp pain shoot through her back. The pain was so overwhelming she dropped the clothespin in the grass to touch her hand to her back. But just as quickly as it happened the pain disappeared.

Anna wiped at her brow, finished the load, and went back indoors to have a seat, thinking she had worked herself too hard. She pulled a rubber ice cap bottle from the ice box in the kitchen and set it against her back as she sat in her rocking chair. Her mother sat on the settee sewing something for herself; Anna removed a small blanket she had been working on for the baby from her knitting basket. How ironic that in such a tiny sitting room there seemed to be all this space that kept them apart.

"Are you feeling alright?" her mother asked with concern etched on her face.

"A little tired, but I'll be fine. Why?" Anna asked.

Her mother took in her daughter's appearance. "You look very pale and you look as though you are running a fever," Helen noticed.

"It was warm outside. I just over did it with the chores this morning," Anna explained with a smile.

"Is that a blanket you are working on?" she inquired.

"Yes," Anna answered with a hint of pride. "Do you like it?"

"I do. But why are you working on a blanket? It's not exactly cold this time of year," her mother pointed out

Maybe now was the time to break the news to her mother. "No, it's not. But…" Anna stopped mid-sentence and her brows furrowed together as her eyes screwed shut. This time the pain seemed to travel from her back to her lower abdomen. She let out a small whoosh of air from her lips and felt the pain pass. She had become accustomed to morning sickness but this was a new sensation that she had not yet experienced.

"Anna, I've been meaning to speak with you about our disagreement the other day," Helen said as she set her knitting down and scooted closer to Anna. She placed her hand on Anna's knee and tried to talk some sense into her only daughter. "It's not that John isn't a good man. But you deserve more." The silence was deafening as Anna sat there staring at her mother in shock. "Consider your options."

"Options?" Anna asked, repeating her mother's words. She couldn't believe she was being pulled into this conversation.

"You don't have children tying you to him and he's already divorced. So divorcing John wouldn't hurt your status or name any more than it already has been." Her daughter stared at her blankly. "You could start over somewhere else. Maybe meet a nice, young man with a steady job."

Anna sat there quietly, processing everything her mother had just said. Still reeling from the idea that her mother would even suggest a divorce was an option. Her mother prattled on a little longer before Anna burst out of her chair. "That's enough! I love him mother. Nothing you say or do will change that. I wish you could see him the way I do. I wanted so badly for father to be around to give me away and for you and David to bear witness to our wedding day."

"Your father? Give you away? Anna your father is probably rolling in his grave right now!" her mother raised her voice.

Anna's lip began to tremble at her mother's words but she stood her ground and continued where she had left off. "Your absence didn't make it any less special. The man who loves me more than anyone or anything in the world was there. If you will not give me your blessing I will be heartbroken but I will not be alone. John and I are each other's family now." Anna grabbed the ice pack and went up to her room to lie down. Once she was behind closed doors she cried until there were no more tears; until sleep took hold of her.

* * *

The next thing Anna knew she was being shaken awake by her mother. There was a dark haze in her peripheral vision and her mother standing before her, appeared fuzzy. She could barely make out what she was saying until she heard, "Anna? Anna, sweetheart, are you alright?"

"Moth-, mother?" Anna asked but her voice was barely audible even to her. Her vision sharpened and her mother came into focus and suddenly Anna had become very aware of the stabbing pain in her abdomen. She wasn't sure what it was her mother was looking at, but the terror on Helen's face was evident and it made Anna panic. She was huddled into a ball on the mattress and clutching at the sheets as the pain was becoming more persistent. As she did so, she felt something damp beneath her; when she looked down she realized she was bleeding badly. "The...the baby…" Anna said as her face contorted in pain.

"What?" her mother asked unsure if she had heard Anna correctly. Her daughter appeared pale and her eyes glazed over as she spoke to her.

"John. I need John," Anna replied in a ragged voice as another stabbing pain surged through her.

* * *

John was sorting through his Lordship's collars to send to the poor in Africa when he heard a rather abrupt and arrhythmic knock at the back door. He was about to rise from his chair to answer it when he remembered that Thomas had just gotten up to take his usual smoking break in the courtyard; he could see to the visitor. Thomas's voice echoed from down the corridor that led from the door to the servants hall, "What do you want pipsqueak?"

"Is Mr. Bates here?" the boy asked.

"Who wants to know?" Thomas questioned the boy further.

"Please, it's about Mrs. Bates," he answered back sounding winded. "My mother is calling on the doctor, she told me to run here as fast as I could to fetch him."

No sooner had the words left his mouth that the news was regarding Anna, had John jumped from his chair to get to the door. Thomas heard the familiar tapping of John's cane against the cobblestone tiles and turned his attention to the valet with a look of concern. He flicked his barely lit cigarette outdoors and said to Mr. Bates, "I'll have them bring the car around and try ringing up Dr. Clarkson."

John's heart was beating rapidly as he considered every possible scenario that could have occurred. He searched the boys eyes for any indication of what had gone wrong, but young Timothy Chirk looked just as clueless as he did. Was it worth waiting on the car? Perhaps he could get to the cottage faster if he left now. He heard Mrs. Hughes pass Thomas in the hallway and exchange some words. Before he could process what was happening, the housekeeper was offering to come back with him to the cottage. As the car pulled around to the front of the house he heard Mr. Carson say that Dr. Clarkson would meet them there if he hadn't already reached Anna. John nodded automatically, but in truth he couldn't think of anything but Anna and the baby.

* * *

John entered the cottage with a boom. He was like a caged animal searching frantically for anything that looked familiar that would give him some sign of comfort. He saw their neighbor, Mrs. Chirk standing there with her other son, Paul. He wanted to ask what everyone was standing around for and what had happened to Anna, but the sound of his wife's moans quickly filled the air. Without hesitation John began to ascend the stairs with Mrs. Hughes following in his wake.

When they arrived upstairs Anna was almost unrecognizable and their bed looked like it was covered in blood. She hadn't even registered John and Mrs. Hughes presence in the room as they walked in. Her mother emerged from the washroom with some towels and attempted to hold Anna's hand, but his wife simply shoved her hand away. The action did not go unnoticed by John, but he didn't have the time to deal with Anna's mother. He watched as Mrs. Smith sank back against the wall shaking her head in horror, "I didn't even know she was with child."

He sat on the side of the bed, "Anna, love? What happened my darling? Tell me what to do." Anna couldn't even answer him, instead she squeezed his hand and continued to cry. John placed a kiss on his wife's forehead and cheek and felt a stray tear from her eyes mix with his own. Her face was so pale and her eyes didn't have the same light to them that he had seen only a few hours earlier when he set off for work. "It'll be alright, the doctor will be here soon," he said unsure of himself as the minutes ticked by. John was no doctor but he was certain that this wasn't normal and he knew that the longer it went on the less chance there was that this would end well. He tried to remain calm as he felt her squeeze his hand more tightly and she cried more hysterically telling him something wasn't right. His voice was bordering on frantic as he tried to grasp for any words that might make the situation easier. "_What could possibly be taking the doctor so long to arrive?_" he asked himself.

John sat there helplessly taking the towels from the stack Helen had brought in and attempted to clean Anna up as best he could. Mrs. Hughes set about filling a pitcher with some warm water and brought it back upstairs. She smoothed Anna's mussed up hair from her face and told her to take deep breaths and drink some water. A few minutes later Doctor Clarkson arrived with an attending nurse and shooed John from the room.

John stood in the hallway and was surprised a few seconds later when Helen came out to join him. They both headed down stairs and noticed that Mrs. Chirk had already left. John continued to stand and listen to Anna's moans as they ripped through the walls and shattered his heart bit by bit. He feared that she was losing the baby, but worst of all he feared he was losing her. John never had much use for faith, but as he stood there in his empty sitting room listening to the painful cries of the woman he loved he prayed to any god that would listen. He rubbed at the back of his neck nervously as he paced a hole into the floorboards for what seemed like hours until he heard silence and then the click of the door. John wished harder than he ever had before for his wife and child to come through this unscathed...for all of their sakes.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Couldn't leave you in suspense all weekend. Again thanks for the reviews, even those of you who were upset with the sudden turn of events that I set before you. But have faith, I could never write an unhappy ending for our favorite duo. I hope you'll all stick with me on this. Again thanks to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. Please review and enjoy! **

**Part VIII**

John stared up at the door waiting for some sign that this was a horrible dream or for someone to tell him that Anna and their baby would pull through this. But the look on Dr. Clarkson's face told him what he already knew. Helen had appeared from out of nowhere standing behind him. John looked at her and back to the doctor seeking some level of comfort or hope. "Well? How is she, doctor?"

The doctor dabbed at his eyes for a moment, and for a second John feared the worst. He let out a heavy sigh and steadied himself on the post at the base of the stairs. John was suddenly reminded of Lady Sybil's passing after childbirth while he was in prison. He couldn't bare it. Not his Anna. The doctor finally composed himself and began to speak, "Mrs. Bates is recovering. She lost a lot of blood..."

John let out a breath he had not even realized he'd been holding as he silently gave thanks to God for that. "And the baby?" John asked even though he already had an inkling of the fate of their child.

"The baby didn't make it. Mrs. Bates went into premature labor. I gave her something to help her sleep and minimize the pain; she is resting now and is not cognizant of what happened. She's battling a fever and we are keeping an eye on her for infections; but it could just be her body trying to cope with the trauma." He watched Mr. Bates face register in understanding; his heart ached for the man. Helen had let out an audible gasp upon receiving the news.

The doctor said some other things about making arrangements for the burial but it had washed over him like a wave. How would he deliver the news to her? _Why had fate been so cruel? They had finally been free to love and started their family and this is what they were left with._ John's ears perked up when he heard the doctor say his wife's name, "Anna, will need to be monitored carefully. Sometimes the pain from the loss of the child far exceeds the pain from the delivery. If it is at all possible I wouldn't leave her alone for the next few days."

"Of course not doctor," John answered with a stiff lip.

"I will be back to check on her in the morning, if you want we can break the news to her then. If you notice any changes or think she needs medical attention do not hesitate to fetch me," the doctor ordered.

The doctor closed up his medical bag and John watched as the nurse came downstairs with a pile of blood stained rags. John winced as she quietly made her way past him. "Can I see my wife now?" John asked in a soft voice that was filled with emotion.

"Yes, but try not to disturb her. She's been through a lot today and she needs her rest. She'll have to stay in bed for the remainder of the week," Dr. Clarkson says.

He realized it probably seemed an odd thing to ask, given that she may not want to try for another child after this, but the need to ask was overwhelming. "Will she be able to have children again?" John asked.

"I can't say for certain without knowing the cause. Sometimes these things just happen for reasons we cannot understand and the woman goes on to have successful pregnancies afterwards and some...well," the silence fell around them and left him temporarily paralyzed with grief. "You both can try again in a few months," the doctor tried to sound hopeful.

John nodded his head in understanding. Right before the doctor headed out the door John had to ask one last thing, "What was it? I mean if you know that is."

"I beg your pardon?" Anna's mother interjected.

"Anna wanted a little boy so badly. I know she would want to know if she were coherent right now," John explained.

The doctor shook his head, he knew all too well from past experience that knowing didn't make it any easier on the mother or the father. But he had an obligation to answer Mr. Bates question. "It was a boy," Dr. Clarkson answered regretfully.

* * *

Dr. Clarkson had left and it was just he and his mother-in-law standing in the sitting room now. John ran his hand through his hair for what seemed like the millionth time, walking a few steps at a time, stopping with his hands on his hips but stopping before any words were spoken. Until finally he did. John tried his hardest to control his temper and keep things civil for Anna's sake. "Before I head upstairs and face my wife and give her the news that I know will absolutely devastate her, I must know. What happened?"

She sat there unmoving as if she hadn't heard a word he said. Helen looked at him with confusion, "You saw what I saw. You know what I know."

John shook his head in disagreement and let out a huff. He certainly didn't want to imply that she was at fault, but after seeing the way Anna reacted to her mother he had to wonder how much Mrs. Smith really knew. "Something must have happened. Anna was fine before you arrived."

She shot him an indignant look, her eyes almost as piercing as Anna's, "Are you saying I did this to Anna?"

"No, not at all. But you must know something more. Did she complain of discomfort? What was she doing when this happened? Where were you when it happened?"

"Where do you think I was?" she argued. She couldn't believe that she was being treated like a criminal by a man who had been convicted as one twice before.

"I just know that by the time we got here she looked like she had been bleeding for quite some time. Why weren't we called upon sooner?"

Helen realized he would not let this go. He was like a dog with a bone. "We were talking and Anna made light of some pain in her back...said she was tired. She went upstairs to lie down. I went to check on her when I realized she'd been sleeping for over an hour and found her void of color and bleeding."

"That's all?"

"That's it."

"You're sure," he came back at her again.

"How many times do I have to repeat it?"

Something wasn't adding up. Anna had been so stressed and upset these past few days and he knew he was partially at fault for that. His wife had hated that her mother had not grown to accept him. John was about to ask her something else when Mrs. Hughes called for him. "Mr. Bates, Anna is asking for you," she said.

"I'm coming," he said.

* * *

John entered their room, but something about it didn't feel right. It felt foreign, tainted somehow. Their cottage had been the one place that had gone untouched by the curse that seemed to plague him, and now even that was no longer sacred. It was the place where their love had bloomed, where life had been created and now it was where life had been taken. As he walked over towards the bed he saw the picture on Anna's nightstand from their wedding day. Another happy moment that had been snatched from them just as quickly as it had come. Was this to be their fate then? Living day in and day out dusting themselves off and picking themselves up, waiting for some sort of relief, only to be dragged down again. Had he brought this on them for all his past mistakes?

She had looked so happy that day. They both did. Even with a murder accusation hanging over his head, she had been his light and he was able to have faith so long as she had faith. _Now what were they to do? This would surely break her mind, body, and soul. The doctor could give her all the medicine in the world to help ease the pain, but what do you give someone that has suffered a broken heart?_

Mrs. Hughes walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "I changed the sheets and set some clean towels down. The doctor said she might still have some bleeding."

John nodded in understanding and when his eyes met the housekeeper's he saw fresh tears in her eyes. She bit down on her lower lip as she looked over at the girl that may as well have been her own daughter. "I'm so sorry for your loss," she said in a voice just above a whisper. "Would you like me to help you change her into a fresh nightgown?," she asked.

"No, I'll take it from here. Thank you for your help Mrs. Hughes," he said with as warm of a smile as he could manage.

"There's no thanks necessary. If you need any help tomorrow you be sure to send someone to the house for me. I'll relay the news to Lord Grantham and spare you the trouble." John nodded with his lips pursed together as he fought back tears.

John sat down as gently as he could on the bed so as not to disturb Anna, she wavered in her sleep but her eyes remained shut. He wanted to hold her hand, but worried that he would somehow break her. What a difference a few hours had made? One minute she was healthy, strong, and thriving. Now she looked weak, fragile, and subdued. He held up her limp hand, looking impossibly small within his own and pressed kiss after kiss into her palm as tears spilled down his cheek. He tried to remind himself to be grateful. "_She is alive. It could have been worse. I could have lost them both."_ But somehow that brought no comfort to him. The one thing Anna had wanted more than anything he could not give her, it could not be fixed and it could not be replaced. Remembering what the doctor had said about the loss of the child being greater than the physical pain, he wondered if he would lose Anna in the process. "Oh my darling, I'm so sorry I wasn't here. I wish I could have spared you this," he whispered into the darkness that filled their room.

"John?" Anna muttered with her eyes still closed.

"Yes my love, I'm here," he answered.

Her eyes opened and she gave off a half smile and mumbled, "You came for me."

"Of course I came for you," John replied as he swept a loose strand of hair from her face. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Mrs. Hughes...she doesn't like men in the women's sleeping quarters," she said drowsily.

Under any other circumstances he would have smiled and laughed with her, but not now. It seemed that with the loss of their baby the happiness that had once made it's home in their cottage had been taken with it. John felt her head and realized she must have been hallucinating things or become disoriented from the fever; she carried on mumbling things about the Abbey as if they weren't married yet. He took a cool washcloth from the pitcher that Mrs. Hughes had left on the bedside table and dabbed it on Anna's forehead. The whole time his eyes were trained on her stomach where their baby had been such a short time ago.

"You wont leave me will you?" she asked in a groggy voice.

"No my darling. I'm not going anywhere, I promise," he said resolutely.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: While this wasn't the original plan when I first got this prompt from allcoyledup, it was the plan about three chapters in. I apologize if I've dragged you all through the ringer, this is by far the most angsty fic I've ever tackled/written, but I thank you all for sticking with the story and having faith in me to get our favorite couple through this. The reviews have been really helpful and encouraging. Again thanks to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. Please review and enjoy! **

**Part IX**

John had stayed up with her all night, even when she slept peacefully he remained awake checking to see if the bleeding had worsened or if her fever had broken. When her sweat soaked through her night gown he changed it again; anything to keep him busy, anything to keep her comfortable. Her mother came in a few times to check in on her but there were no words exchanged between the two of them. Helen did bring him a tray of food at one point, a peace offering of sorts, he supposed. But John didn't have the desire to eat anything, in fact just staring at the plate of toast made his stomach recoil. He didn't change out of his clothes and didn't sleep in the bed for fear of disturbing her, instead he sat in a small chair by the bed, his eyes fixed on the clock while he brooded.

A small laugh escaped his mouth as he was reminded of how his wife so often teased him that if he was going to brood, he should brood about her. If only she could see him now. She was all he could think about. Her and their baby-their son. A life they had not yet met or held and yet he was no less special or important in their hearts. John would never admit it aloud but he had his doubts about becoming a father when Anna had come back from the doctor that day a little over a month ago. But it had all melted away when he saw the blinding smile on his wife's face. She had seemed so sure about everything, never doubting. It didn't take much convincing for him to see that he could do this so long as he had Anna to guide him. A single tear fell from his eyes and he quickly brushed it away not wanting to wake Anna.

John reached for his pocket watch, it was going on two in the morning. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and leaned back a little as he tried to formulate words and figure out how he would break the news to his wife. He eventually came to the conclusion that there was no right way to say this, it would not take the sting out of the words. His body finally gave into exhaustion and he fell asleep in the tiny chair watching over his beloved Anna.

* * *

He had always been a light sleeper and today was no exception, he heard Anna stirring in the bed and immediately woke up wanting to be the first thing she saw when she came to. She looked lost somehow, like she didn't even recognize the very room they had shared for nearly a year. John guessed that it must be just past six in the morning as the sun had just barely begun to creep up over the neighboring cottages and spill into the window. Anna was sat up in bed propped up against the pillows with her hair fanned out against them, her hands rest around the base of her stomach, and staring helplessly at her husband. She looked wide awake; he assumed she had woken up before him.

John leaned forward in his chair and reached for her hand, "Oh Anna." He placed a kiss on her hand, "My Anna." He kissed her other hand, "I'm so happy to see you awake. How are you feeling my darling?"

She stared at him blankly. Anna could only recall bits and pieces of the events the day before but the physical ache she felt in her side told her what she already feared the most. "John?"

"Yes, my love. What is it?" John asked as he steeled himself. His wife had never been one to beat around the bush; no, she had always been direct with him. Whatever it was she was planning to ask him he knew he had to be the strong one, she would need to draw her strength from him to get through this.

"He's gone, isn't he?" she asked in the smallest voice he had ever heard.

John was in shock, he had not expected her to know that she lost the baby, let alone that it had been a boy. Maybe it was just feminine intuition or perhaps she had overheard the doctor say something after the delivery. His brain willed him to speak, not to leave her in suspense any longer than necessary. But the look on her face pained him more than he had anticipated and he wanted to crumble in her arms then and there. He wished he were anywhere but here having to break the news to the love of his life. "Yes," John answered in a shaky voice.

Anna sat there and nodded her head in understanding, trying to make sense of what John had just said. Her lower lip wobbled for a second or two until she clamped down using her upper lip.

He wanted to hug her or kiss her, but she seemed so withdrawn in that moment that he wasn't even sure she wanted to be touched. They had always been able to read one anothers thoughts and be what the other one needed. But he was at a loss now; she was unreadable to him. "No amount of apologies could ever convey how sorry I am. The doctor said these things just happen, that there was nothing that could be done." He noticed her hands squeezed tightly at the sheets that were draped over her legs and formed little fists, her knuckles turning a shade of pink as she squeezed tighter. Still she said nothing. The doctor's warnings still ringing in his ear. "I love you, Anna...so, so much. Please don't give up on me," he pleaded.

She swallowed hard as her eyes filled with tears, but they did not spill over. Only his wife could take such horrific news with dignity and grace, still holding her head up high. Anna sat like that for what seemed like hours, unblinking, without so much as a sound. She finally sunk into her pillow and rolled over with her back to John.

He stood up and placed a kiss on the top of her head. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to get you some tea and food. You'll need to keep up your strength," he whispered into her hair.

He was just about to walk out the door when he heard her mumble, "For what?" Her words cutting through him like a knife. John only wished he had an answer for her.

* * *

Anna laid alone in their bedroom staring at the wall, the pain from the delivery still lingered, but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as the hole in her heart. Part of her wished the bed would swallow her up whole; she felt empty, defeated, void of purpose. How had she been so foolish to think that John's prison sentence would be the last of their troubles? All their dreams dashed. The doctor came and went, he told her she would heal with time and she and John could try again in a few months time, but it did little to comfort her. Every once in awhile her mother would come in to check on her and bring her food; food she refused to eat, her appetite gone. John would try to get her to talk or coax her to eat her food but eventually he gave up and settled in the chair by her side.

The day came and went. Mrs. Hughes arrived later in the evening to visit with Anna and was almost turned away by Helen, until John had overheard her voice from upstairs. He insisted that Mrs. Hughes was always welcome in their house. Once Helen had cleared out of the room John led Mrs. Hughes upstairs, stopping a few feet short of the door and filled her in on how Anna was doing. Having never been through the loss of a child she couldn't really relate, but her closeness with Anna ensured she would treat her with the utmost care and sympathy. The housekeeper was about to enter their bedroom when John thought it important to mention, "I'm not sure why. But Anna won't let her mother anywhere near her. She won't say why and Helen has been close lipped since yesterday."

They spoke in hushed tones, a habit they had grown accustomed to in all their years working at Downton. "I noticed the same thing yesterday when you left us alone with the doctor. Anna practically insisted she leave. I was so concerned about Anna and the baby I didn't think to question it," she commented.

"I don't want to keep Anna waiting, I'm sure she's been expecting you," he said as as he held the door open for Elsie. Surprisingly it was the one time Anna perked up and even though John felt a flash of jealousy that he couldn't get that sort of reaction from her, he was happy for it. He gave them a moment alone and asked Mrs. Hughes if she would like a cup of tea, to which she said, "I will if Anna joins me." Anna finally gave in and agreed to a cup of tea and John was forever grateful for it.

"How are you holding up my dear girl?" Elsie asked as she took a seat beside the younger woman. Anna didn't answer her, instead her fingers mindlessly traced the patterns on the quilt that was laid out on their bed. "Mr. Bates says you've barely spoken today. That you refuse to see or talk to your mother."

"And what would I speak to them about?" Anna replied a little sharper than Mrs. Hughes was used to.

Mrs. Hughes had expected this much. She had been harboring her anger all day; she had barely shed a tear according to Mr. Bates. "They are both concerned about you and I'm sure they're both grieving," Elsie responded back.

"My mother didn't even know about the baby," Anna stated coldly.

"That doesn't make it any less painful. She knows now and of course she cares about you too," Mrs. Hughes added. "Surely you don't blame her for what happened?"

Anna folded her arms in silent protest. "No. Maybe. I don't know," Anna replied sadly.

Elsie let out a heavy sigh, glad to see that the younger girl had been able to see reason in all this. But the next words that came out of Anna's mouth made her think otherwise.

"I can't help thinking it was my fault," Anna said with absolute certainty.

"What? Anna, you can't be serious? I was there myself when the doctor told Mr. Bates that this was an unforeseeable accident," Elsie replied. The older woman shaking her head, refusing to believe a word Anna said.

"Was it? I pursued a married man, convinced him to divorce his wife and fate tried to keep us apart by sending him to prison. He was finally released and when my mother didn't approve of him I bargained with God. I asked him to make things right between them...somehow...I didn't care how," Anna said speaking so fast that Mrs. Hughes could barely keep up. The tears were now coming down faster than they had before, showing no sign of stopping. "I didn't mean to...but I asked for this. I made it happen. It cost me my baby boy and I want him back. Please Mrs. Hughes, I want him back." Anna's lip quivered and she couldn't catch her breath, she was crying so hard.

It broke her heart to see the young woman whom she had known since she was a young girl look so broken. Mrs. Hughes took the younger girl into her arms and tried to soothe her and held her as tightly as she could without causing Anna any further pain. John walked back into the room to the sight of Anna clinging on to Mrs. Hughes like she was a life preserver. He set the tray down on the side table and stood there as he listened to Mrs. Hughes try to comfort his wife. "My poor girl, you didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. God would not be so cruel." She rocked Anna back and forth like she would a baby and rubbed calming circles into her back until the sobs subsided.

John couldn't watch any more of this, he walked out of the room and closed the bedroom door behind him. As he stood on the stairs he began to cry, harder than he ever had when his father had beat him as a child, or when he'd been injured in the war, and more than he had in prison when he was handed his guilty sentence. He slid down, using the wall to brace himself until he slumped down onto the stairs. John brushed a loose lock back that had fallen forward and dabbed at his eyes with his handkerchief when he noticed Helen was watching him at the base of the stairs. With tears in her eyes, she offered him a sympathetic smile and let him have his moment of privacy before walking back into the kitchen to make Anna a fresh bowl of soup.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: I promise there are only a few heartbreaking chapters left before things will begin to turn around. The reviews have been really great and I can't begin to thank you all enough for them. Again thanks to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. Please review and enjoy! **_

**Part X**

It seemed that anytime Anna spent awake, it was only long enough to cry herself back to sleep. She still hadn't eaten a single bite of food. The only time Anna had drank anything was when Mrs. Hughes had encouraged her too. John was beginning to worry. What if he couldn't get her to eat anything or get her out of bed? What if he couldn't get her back to some sense of normalcy before he had to go back to work? He had never experienced anything like this. Was this normal behavior? Of course he didn't blame her for mourning the loss of a child, but he was in over his head here. Helen tried to help where she could, but Anna was having none of it.

Helen made her way past Mrs. Hughes with a tray of soup and set it down over Anna's legs. "Anna dear, I made you some of your favorite soup and a fresh loaf of bread. Won't you eat some of it?" Helen asked.

Anna simply stared out the window that overlooked their small yard and wanted to burst into tears. How many times had she thought to herself how wonderful it was that they had a yard for their children to run through, whenever they had them? And when would that be now? There would be no tiny giggles to fill the nursery down the hallway or even fitful cries, which she would have welcomed with open arms. How could she return to Downton now? Little Sybil was in her nursery and soon Lady Mary would have her own bundle of joy on the way. She was a mother without a child and the pain was proving too much to bear. Anna remembered how it had felt holding Ethel's little baby, Charlie, all those years ago and thinking how delightful it was to have that weight on her chest, that warmth in her heart, and that baby scent that filled her brain. They had come so close to attaining all that they had hoped and dreamed of and now it was all gone.

John had a feeling that something was still amiss between Anna and her mother, but he decided to ignore it for his wife's sake. He and Helen would have to work together to bring Anna back from the depths of her despair. "Darling? Your mother wants you to eat something. Won't you try at least?" She didn't answer and he looked over at her mother standing there helplessly, probably feeling as useless as he did in that moment. He tried to shoot a sympathetic smile Helen's way. "It smells delicious and she worked on it for the last hour," John said as he scooped up a spoonful of soup from the bowl. He gently maneuvered it with one hand under the spoon so he wouldn't spill on the blankets and stopped short of Anna's mouth but she refused to open even for him. John finally gave up and put the spoon back in the bowl.

"It's alright sweetheart, we'll try again later," her mother encouraged.

"Mr. Bates, I'm afraid I need to head back to the house, but I'll try to stop by again tomorrow," Mrs. Hughes said as she rose from her seat. "Will you walk me to the door?" she asked.

John nodded automatically and rose from his chair, "I'll be right back my love." John leaned forward and placed a kiss on Anna's head as he smoothed her hair back.

Mrs. Hughes said 'goodbye' to Anna but she continued to stare out the window. Once they were downstairs and free from earshot she said, "Mr. Bates, Lord Grantham and her Ladyship send their deepest sympathies. Lord Grantham didn't want to disturb you and Anna, but he says if there is anything he can do to help with arrangements...well, don't hesitate to ask."

John hadn't even had time to consider the burial of their baby. He wasn't even sure he'd be able to get Anna to get out of bed let alone attend a funeral. "I won't," he responded.

She took some comfort, knowing that John would put Anna's needs ahead of his pride. Hopefully he would accept the help of his employer and friend. "His Lordship also said you could take the rest of the week off to tend to Anna. Thomas should be able to take over for you with little interruption to his Lordship's usual routine. And I'm sure Mrs. O'Brien wouldn't mind taking over Anna's tasks until she's ready to come back."

He was relieved that Mrs. Hughes had spared them the task of explaining the situation to their employer and coworkers. He was even more grateful that Thomas and O'Brien seemed to have some sort of compassion and understanding. "I know I'm probably speaking out of turn Mrs. Hughes, but I'm not sure Anna will be coming back," he said with his arms crossed over one another and his eyes trained on the stairs.

"It's only been a few days Mr. Bates. I know things seem bleak right now and of course you both have every right to grieve, but I think Anna would be better off returning to the Abbey when she is able," she said.

"Mrs. Hughes I can't even get my wife to eat, she's almost catatonic right now. How can we expect her to function as if everything were normal?" he asked.

"I don't know," she responded with tears in her eyes. "But the alternative wouldn't be any better. If you leave her at home alone it will only give her more time to focus on her loss," Mrs. Hughes pointed out. "I'm just saying...to think about it," Mrs. Hughes said as she let herself out, but not before stopping to give his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Be careful it's raining hard out there," John said as he watched her disappear into the dark.

John shut the door and felt the stress of the past twenty four hours catch up with him. The only thing that normally would have made him feel better was Anna, but for the first time she wasn't the one trying to cheer him up or make him feel better. He ran a hand through his hair and heard the soft sound of footsteps coming down the stairs and turned to see Helen balancing a tray in her hands. "Did she eat?" he asked.

Helen shook her head in response, "'Fraid not."

"It was worth a shot," he replied. "It's been a long day, I think I'm going to head up to bed. Did you need any help with anything down here?" he asked.

"No, I only have the dishes to take care of. You should go be with Anna," she encouraged him.

"Helen, I know Anna isn't really being receptive to you right now. But I appreciate everything you are doing," he said.

"She's my daughter," Helen said as she began soaking the dishes. "I may not agree with her marriage to you, but I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy," Helen replied.

"I quite agree. Well, good night then," John said as he made for the stairs.

* * *

John walked into their bedroom to find Anna with her back turned to the door. The lights were dim and it was dark outside, at first he thought she was asleep, but the irregular sound of her breathing prompted him to think otherwise. John took the same seat he had the night before and sat across from her and heard the rain outside begin to fall against the window pain. The moonlight coming through the window caused the patterns of the rainfall to reflect across Anna's face. It made her look like she was crying again, but he knew she wasn't. It was so quiet he could have heard a pin drop and he began to grow tired until her voice broke him from his thoughts.

"Do you know what I keep thinking?" she asked.

It had been so long since she had spoken that it almost sounded painful for her to do so. And there was something unfamiliar about her voice now, like all the light that once shone through her words had been extinguished. "What's that my love?" he asked.

Anna hesitated before she said another word, her eyes still staring blankly out the window. "I keep thinking this is a dream. No. Not a dream. A nightmare," she corrected herself. "I'm hoping that I'll wake up from this nightmare, that everything will be as it should. You are free, we are happy, and he'll be here," she said, only this time her eyes met John's. She could see the pain etched on his face, knowing that he felt the same way. They both had tears in their eyes now. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing, my darling," he quickly tried to assure her. He nearly fell out of his chair, scrambling to get closer to her. John sat down beside her on the bed and grabbed her hand. John was careful not to crush her legs or sit too abruptly so that she wouldn't be in any further pain.

"That's not true. I must have done something truly wrong to deserve this. All of it. It's not fair," she stammered.

"No, it's not," he said as a tear slid down the length of his nose. He wiped a tear from her cheeks and felt her face turn into his hand. It felt so good to have contact with her again, even if it was brief. John couldn't think of a more suited person to be a mother, but the fact that their baby wasn't here didn't make her any less of one. She had been a mother and they were happy, for a short time anyway. They would have a child eventually, he wouldn't deny her that opportunity; even if they had to adopt one. But, he knew it wouldn't make them yearn or mourn any less for this child.

Anna sniffled as she studied her husband's hands. She had dreamed of the day he would get to hold their baby and watch how he lit up at the sight of someone that was the perfect blend of him and her. A symbol of all they had endured and all that they still were, a sign that their love was still very much alive and standing strong. His large hands would make their baby seem all the more tiny and delicate, but she knew John would hold it with care. He would go to the ends of the earth to protect them both and would dote on their child like a most prized possession. It had been such a lovely image in her head, she imagined John holding their child's hand loosely without letting go as he taught him to walk and reading to them both as they were cuddled up in bed. He had already taken to doing that when she was pregnant. That word. Was. It was in the past. Suddenly she began crying again and pulled John in for a hug.

He gladly accepted the gesture, but was still careful not to put too much pressure on her. But it only made her pull him in tighter. "Anna, I don't want to hurt you," he said softly.

"I don't care. I don't care if it hurts. The pain reminds me that it happened. When that pain is gone it will be like he was never here. I don't want to forget him, John," she broke down.

When he had been released from prison he had vowed that he would do everything in his power to ensure Anna never had to shed another tear. She had done enough of that in the time she had known him. But this was beyond his control, his angelic wife was struggling to survive this loss that had left a hole in both their hearts and he feared he wouldn't be able to fix her again. If only there were some way to turn back time, some magical phrase he could say to make her feel even a little bit better. This was something that he could not fix and it wasn't something they would get over or even attempt to replace. It was something that only time could heal, but even then they would still be left with scars on their hearts. John ran his fingers through her hair and cradled the back of her head before settling down against her chest as they cried together. "You don't have to forget him, love. No one is expecting you too, least of all me. I miss him too."

"I know you do," Anna uttered as she ran her hands up and down her husband's back. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you a child," she apologized.

John lifted his head to face her. "Anna you have nothing to apologize for. If we had never had any children at all, I would have been happy with only you. Don't you see that? You alone were blessing enough to last me three lifetimes. Having a child only made the blessing greater. But I do not see it as fault on your part. You have to understand that love. Please tell me you do," he said sincerely.

Anna wanted so much to promise him that, but the truth was she didn't. "I can't."

John wrapped his hands around her tightly and leaned his head back against her chest as he listened to the sound of her heart beat. It had always managed to calm him in the past. "You're not to worry, darling. I'm not giving up on you. I'll tell you as many times as I have to until you believe it." He could sense Anna nodding her head in agreement and took some peace from that.

He sounded so sure that things would turn around for them. The weight of his body resting on hers brought her some comfort. Knowing that at least they still had each other. And hearing him speak so positively would have brought her to her knees had she been standing. Anna understood now more than ever how lucky she was to have a husband like him, she had chosen wisely when she had given him her heart. Her mind might be betraying her heart right now but she knew she had to give him something to cling to. "I love you, John," she said in a whisper.

The words sounded empty of emotion, but he recognized that she was trying to reach out and prove to him that she was still in this with him. He didn't know how they were going to survive this, but if anyone could it was his Anna. The darkness and silence surrounded them, making their outlook seem all the more daunting. John had nothing to do but hope, hope that somehow their love for one another would bring them through this like it always had. "I love you too," he whispered back before pressing a kiss to her chest.

He listened to the timing of her breaths and felt her fingertips lightly stroking through the fabric of his shirt as she caressed his back. It put his mind at ease, as much as it could be, but he was worried about what was running through her mind in these silent moments. John heard her take a deep breath, the shift in her chest causing his head to rise a little with her. "I want to name him, David," she said.

Her words took him off guard, he hadn't even considered a name for their baby. It had been too soon to discuss names when she was pregnant. But she had always said if they had a son she wanted to name their son after him. This was an unexpected change but he didn't mind. He thought one John Bates was enough to last a lifetime. John mulled over her words for a few seconds, "After your brother?"

"I hadn't even thought of that...I read somewhere that it means, 'beloved.' I think...I think it suits him," she said impassively.

John swallowed hard as he processed her statement. He wasn't sure if this meant she was beginning to move forward. But he wanted to be supportive regardless. "David…..I love it," he said wholeheartedly. John reached for an extra blanket and pulled it over the both of them to keep them warm. He snuggled his head against her as he held her and began to drift off. The sound of the falling rain outside eventually lulled them both to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: I got some really great feedback on the last chapter. You guys are all so great for continuing to stick with this. **_

_**I do have to address a guest review though and I'm sorry to do it like this, but I can't address it privately since I don't know who it is. Dear guest, I'm sorry if you don't like the story now and that you feel this is "just another miscarriage story involving Anna and Bates." To my knowledge there are only two other miscarriage stories and I thought they were both handled beautifully and they are very different from what I wrote. That being said, putting out an ultimatum that you will "read a little longer, but will stop if it doesn't get better," seemed a little harsh. I can respect that this piece may not be your cup of tea but no one is forcing you to keep reading. I never promised it would be all fluff, the story was always rated as "drama." **_

_**In response to Driftingwithoutananchor's question of if they did burials for miscarriages in the olden days, I tried doing some research on this and I know for a fact they did it for women that carried later into their pregnancy. But I was only able to find one piece of material that said they performed burials for babies that were a few months into pregnancy. **_

_**Again thanks to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. Please review and enjoy!**_

**Part XI**

The day they buried their baby was the hardest day of both their lives. At least, when he had been sentenced to life in prison he had some hope to still see Anna every fortnight. Her letters and her picture kept him going while they were apart. And he had convinced himself that if she were to find someone else and leave him he would still find a way to be happy for her, because she had found happiness. But with the loss of their son there would be no visits, there would be no communication, or pictures even. John wasn't even sure that Anna would be able to go on after this. Sure she would still be around, but a piece of her had died with their son.

John had never thought he'd be able to call himself a father or to say he had a son. Now that he could, there was no happy sentiment attached with the word. He imagined that Anna felt much the same. They walked hand in hand, despite the doctor telling her to stay in bed a little longer. Anna had insisted she would not allow some stranger to put her child to rest. He deserved a proper send off and John couldn't argue with that logic. But John insisted that if she felt tired she was to take it easy. Her mother had surprisingly agreed about Anna's attending the funeral and had gone along with them.

Anna stood in the middle with John on her right and her mother on her left. Mrs. Hughes had shown up to pay her respects and be there to support the valet and lady's maid. Mary had wanted to go, but John was strongly against it given her condition and how it might upset Anna. She sent flowers and a letter to Anna instead. Robert arrived to be there for his old comrade in arms and of course for "our Anna" as he so often referred to her.

They stood beneath the weeping willow tree just outside the church. The grass was damp from the rain in the previous days, the sky was cloudy and dark, but it made no difference whether it had been sunny or not. It didn't take the chill out of the air.

* * *

_Anna's mother had said to John the night before as he laid his suit out that no parent should have to bury their child. Something about the way she said it had struck a chord with John, her voice sounded just as pained as Anna did when she spoke of their son. When he looked up from his task of ironing he saw a touch of sadness on her face that was undeniable. It was then that John remembered she had buried her son, Peter, only a few years before. _

_"I'm sorry for your loss," he had said. Helen's eyes shot up on surprise as she looked over at John. "Anna and I weren't more than friends when Peter passed, or I would have come with her."_

_"I'm sure you would have. I can see how much you care for her," Helen said as she laid out Anna's dress for the next day's events._

_"I'm glad of that," he replied. A thought suddenly struck him that it had taken losing their son for Helen to show some semblance of acceptance towards him. The thought made his stomach turn. John set the iron aside and took a seat at the table. He clenched his hands into fists of rage as his jaw tightened. Tears threatened to spill out but they didn't. He let his eyes close as he tried to remember how happy they were when they found out about the baby. Then he felt a pair of hands set themselves on top of his own. He looked up and saw Helen._

_"I lost a baby once before too," she said softly._

_His eyes widened in surprise. This was the first time he had heard of this. "You did?" he asked._

_"What can I say? You were right to call me out when you said we all have a colorful past," she answered back. John smiled weakly at her remark. "Anna doesn't even know about it, it was about a year and a half before we had her," Helen continued. "There was no explanation for it and it happened in much the same way. My husband wasn't as understanding and supportive as you are, but he did hurt and mourn in his own way."_

_John couldn't explain it, but he felt a sense of relief that she had acknowledged his efforts to be understanding and supportive of Anna. The last few days he had felt useless. "Were you like Anna?"_

_"I was. But I already had a baby to take care of and a farm to help run. Mourning for an extended period of time just wasn't an option," she said. _

_John nodded his head as he contemplated what else he could do. Their circumstances were different. There was no other child to keep her occupied and returning to work as a means of keeping her occupied wasn't a possibility. At least not anymore. "I don't know how to help her. I'm scared of losing her," he opened up to Helen._

_"Then tell her that," she insisted. _

_"I have," John replied as he rubbed his eyes tiredly with his free hand._

_"John, I know you are trying to be strong for her, but you need to show her you're hurting too. Right now she probably feels like she is mourning her baby on her own," she said. _

_John was quiet for a moment as he considered her words, "Does it...does it get any easier?"_

_Helen stared back at him trying to find a way to word it best. "Time helps. The pain lessens little by little. I still think about the baby I lost and wonder what could have been. And there are days where I'll catch a whiff of Peter's soap or I'll run into someone in the village that looks like him from behind. It's like my brain still hasn't accepted he is gone. I used to go to the fields hoping he would pop out trying to scare me like he used to...but then I remember. And it's just as hard as it was the day we got that telegram. I guess, they're never really gone, not from my heart," she answered sadly._

_"And what do you think will happen with Anna? She doesn't have those memories like you did," he noted. _

_"No. She doesn't. Instead, she's left with unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Which can be even worse? She won't have anything to cling onto. So it's up to us to get her through today and the next, and the day after that," she replied. Helen came up to John and handed him Anna's dress. "She doesn't want my help right now. So you'll have to dress her in the morning," she said as she dabbed at her eyes and excused herself from the sitting room._

* * *

Pastor Travers from the church had arrived and offered his condolences to them both. He didn't waste anytime getting started as It looked like like it might begin to rain again soon.

"The book of Psalms says, 'For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.' The fact that we did not get to see this boy take his first breath, light up the world with his smile, or climb a tree does not make his life any less significant to those that have to bear his loss," he said.

Anna cried into John's shoulder the whole way through. How she managed to keep finding tears to give he could not fathom. How they had aged in just a matter of days. He was sure that even after a year and a half in prison he had not looked this haggard. John squeezed Anna's hand gently as she continued to cry through the service. He hoped that somehow he could transfer some of his strength to her, that she could feel the comfort radiating from every fiber of his being.

"It is never easy to say goodbye to a loved one. But let us take comfort in the fact that little David is with his maker now where he holds court with all the angels. For it says in the book of Matthew that Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.' Let us bow our heads and pray," the pastor said.

They all bowed their heads. Everyone but John. He did not know that he could believe in such a God that would take a child away from someone like Anna. How could the Lord let one of his loyal servants suffer the way she was, and after giving so much of herself to others? Where was the justice? What was the lesson to be had in all of this? If he had the chance, he would have brooded even more but then the pastor called upon him because John had expressed his wishes to say something on behalf of he and Anna.

John had the notes in his pocket but he had already committed it to memory. "I am not one for many words, but I am sure you all know that. I am also not a religious man but I am a man of faith. I believe in my wife more than anything or anyone really. We are both so thankful for the outpouring of love and care you all bestowed upon us at this time. Having never met my son I couldn't tell you what he was like or what great things he would achieve. So I'll have to settle for the way we envisioned him." John felt the tears building in his throat and wiped at his eyes while still holding Anna's hand. "Anna and I have always loved reading. She prefers novels and I prefer poetry," he said with a small laugh. "I tried to find something that best described this moment and I think I found it in Shakespeare. 'When he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine, That all the world will be in love with night, And pay no worship to the garish sun.' Know that you were loved before we even knew you, David." John felt Anna tug on his sleeve harder than she had before and pulled her in for a hug.

"That was beautiful, John," Anna sighed through her cries.

"It was all for you my darling. And for him," John said with tears in his eyes.

Before they said a closing prayer John pulled a Saint Christopher medal from his pocket. The small medal token depicted an image of Saint Christopher carrying a small child on his back. It had belonged to his mother, she had told him Christopher was the patron saint that would keep travelers safe during their journey. His mother had given it to him before he went off to fight in the Boer's War. When he had returned home injured he had remembered giving it back to her with a shrug and motioned to his leg, "Lot of good it did me." To which she quickly reminded John that it had brought him home safe and in one piece. She went on to tell him that God worked in mysterious ways and that this injury might just be a blessing in disguise. John could only scoff at her before returning his attentions to a bottle of alcohol. But when she died the medal had made it's way back to him. And then John realised that had he not been injured he never would have arrived at Downton or met his beautiful wife. For that he would eternally be grateful.

Now as he held the medallion in the palm of his hand, with his mother's words echoing in his head, he pressed the cool metal to his lips to place the softest of kisses upon it and handed it to Anna. She did the same with tear filled eyes before handing it back to John. He softly placed the medallion into the small cedar box that served as a casket and quickly shut the lid. His eyes met with Anna's the entire time, not wanting to have the memory of their son in that box ingrained in his memories. "Safe travels son and God bless you," John said in a voice filled with emotion. It was the same words his mother had said to him when she bid him good luck as he shipped off to Africa. John rubbed his hand across the top of box once more before he and Anna returned to the cottage.


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: I am afraid this will be my last update until I get back from vacation on the 15th, if it's at all possible I will try to update before then, but I make no guarantees. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for continuing with this story and leaving such amazing reviews. I swear this will be the last really heart-wrenching chapter, but it finally leaves our favorite couple on the path to healing. So I hope you all can take some hope in that. Thanks again to A-Lady-to-Me and Terriejane for helping me out with this fic. Again reviews are greatly appreciate, please enjoy!**_

**Part XII**

She had been sitting in the tub, for how long she didn't know, nor did she really care. The water still felt somewhat warm, so it couldn't have been for too long. Then again John usually ran it hot for her. Anna just sat there staring at the bar of soap on the edge of the tub, not caring whether or not she scrubbed up. John would probably come in shortly to help her do it anyway. She hated that she had to rely on him to do so or that she was proving to be such a burden for him. He should be off at work and instead she was the reason he was staying home and caring for her like an invalid. Anna was sure the staff at Downton as well as their employers were eagerly awaiting their return and she just didn't see the point in John having to stay home with her when all she did was lie in bed.

Anna had played the days prior to their loss over and over in her head and second guessed herself on all her choices. Maybe it was the impromptu trip to the fair that caused it. Or the way she had continued with the housework that John had advised her against. The stress of her mother's visit couldn't have been good either. She wanted to be mad at her mother, but ultimately she was mad at herself and no one, not even John, could convinced her otherwise. The bathroom was silent, if she listened carefully enough she could hear the sounds of the last remaining bubbles in the water fizzing out. Each one slowly popping and dissolving before her very eyes, much like her hopes for the future. She knew it wasn't right to feel sorry for one's self; it was such a foreign concept to her that it only made her feel more defunct.

Just then there was a soft knock on the bathroom door. "Anna, I'm coming in. I brought you your night gown and towel," John said before slowly turning the handle on the door.

She could hear the desperation in his voice, he may as well have been displaying a physical scar on his heart. His hair always appeared ruffled now, which used to drive her wild with desire, but now it only left her disheartened. Anna knew why it looked the way it did. He had been spending so much time focusing on her that he hadn't been taking care of himself. She was sure the toll the situation had taken on them both had only resulted in him running his hands through his hair more than usual. His five o'clock shadow was now bordering on turning into a full beard. John's large frame filled the bathroom, but he wasn't standing tall and proud like she had become accustomed too. Instead his shoulders sagged and his back was slightly hunched forward; he looked so deflated. And even though it had only been a few short days, she was certain he had lost weight from not eating enough. If it wasn't for her mother bringing them fresh food at each meal she was sure they wouldn't have eaten a thing.

"Are you finished with your bath?" John asked hoping that she had taken it upon herself to wash up. He had insisted he didn't mind helping her, but she knew he would have to return to work in two days. She could see the concern etched on his face; he didn't like the idea of her being so vacant and despondent. Occasionally she would force herself to talk to him, but it seemed all for naught. She didn't want to talk about the past, it was too painful. The future didn't seem too hopeful, so they avoided that subject all together. It seemed they were only stuck in the present. Always the present now. How was she feeling? Was there anything he could do? Was she hungry? Did she want to go outside? This is what their conversations had been reduced to. But no matter what he always told her he loved her and was there for her. She couldn't have asked for a better husband or loved him more.

Their eyes glanced at the bar of soap still sitting where he had left it; bone dry as was the wash cloth. John knelt down alongside the tub and rubbed the soap against the washcloth to lather it up. Normally she would have admonished him for putting such a strain on his bad leg, but she just didn't have it in her to argue with him. He scrubbed her back gently and moved her around almost like a doll or a small child so that he could wash her hair. When he was done she stood up feeling limp and allowed him to help her out of the bath. She raised her arms mechanically so that he could put her nightgown on and when he was done he discarded his cane and lifted her up with little effort and carried her back to their bedroom. He had always known her to be small and light, but somehow she seemed even smaller now within his embrace. Once they were back in their room, he tucked her into bed and left a kiss on her cold cheek that left a feeling of warmth in its absence.

"I'm going to go clean up the bathroom and tend to the laundry. I'll be right back, but call for me if you need anything," he said in a tired voice.

She nodded her head in agreement and listened as he walked out of their bedroom and headed downstairs.

* * *

Her mother came into their bedroom shortly after. There had been some exchange of words between her mother and John while they were downstairs, but of what she did not know. Everything seemed to exist in a fog for her; time passed agonizingly slow. The doctor had given her medication for the pain which was nearly gone now and something to help her sleep. Anna didn't know what was worse, dreaming of the baby they didn't have or waking up to find out he was gone.

Helen hadn't come in carrying her usual tray of food or to pick up any discarded clothes that needed washing which could only mean one thing. She wanted to talk. Anna braced herself for whatever it was her mother wanted to say but she would make no promises that she would talk with her.

Her mother looked awkward as she took a seat beside Anna on the bed. Her mother came in still in her pajamas with a shawl draped over her shoulders. Helen's hair hung loosely, slightly unkempt from its usual coif bun. She looked around the room for a bit before letting her eyes settle on Anna and John's wedding photo; Helen hadn't noticed it before in all the times she had come into the bedroom. Probably because some part of her still didn't want to acknowledge that John had married her little girl. Yet the longer she looked at the photo in the frame she could see how incredibly happy John had made her daughter. It was a far cry from the image she was looking at now as her daughter burrowed in defeat.

"I know you still aren't talking to me right now and that's fine. I will do the talking for both of us. I owe you an apology. I feel partly responsible for what happened," Helen said. Anna turned to her with her mouth slightly opened but was unsure of how to respond. "I said some things that I probably shouldn't have said that I know upset you, but I hope you can understand it's only because I care. I just wanted what was best for you," she added. "I can see now how much John loves you and cares for you. I've never seen a more devoted husband."

Anna somehow found the strength to smile at that statement. It wasn't her usual smile, so bright and full of happiness, but it was a start. Deep down she knew her mother wasn't at fault for this, but right now she was mad at the world.

"I've been in your shoes before sweetheart. I know it hurts in the most inexplicable way. It probably means nothing to you now, but you will get through this," her mother said gently. She reached out her hand and placed it on Anna's and for once her daughter didn't pull away. "Anna, I will have to head back to the farm soon, I can stay a little longer if you need me to...but I wondered if you would want to come back with me?" Helen asked and waited for a response from Anna. "I know your brother would love to see you and his wife, Ingrid, is close to your age. It would be so nice to have you back home…"

"No," John interrupted.

Helen had not even noticed that he had walked back into the room. "John, she needs round the clock care," Helen tried to help him see reason.

"Absolutely not. I can care for her just fine," he said harshly. Of all the times he had been doubted for his abilities and second guessed he had bit his tongue, but no more.

"Yes, but you must return to work soon," she pointed out, her hand still resting on top of Anna's. "When will you be able to check on her? In the early morning before she wakes? On a rare afternoon when you can get away from work? Or at night after she's gone to bed?"

"We'll manage. I can work something out with Mrs. Hughes or Lord Grantham to move her back into the Abbey so she can be nearby," he stammered.

"John, you can't think of yourself right now. Think about Anna and her health," Helen said. She looked over at her daughter who sat there in a disconsolate state.

"I am thinking about Anna. We've spent far too much time apart, to take her away from here would destroy her," John argued.

"You're acting as if I'm kidnapping her, I'm merely taking her home temporarily," she retorted.

"She is home. This is her home-our home!" he snapped back and Helen flinched for a moment at the sound of his voice. John came closer to Anna and sat on the opposite side of his mother-in-law as he grabbed his wife's hand. "Darling, remember what you told me all those years ago? You could bear anything but to be away from me," he said looking for some sign of life behind Anna's eyes. "I will take care of you."

Anna's head nodded, but he was unsure if she agreed with him or merely acknowledged she remembered that time in their lives. As much as he hated the thought, deep down he knew that if it's what she really wanted-a break away from all of this, he would grant her that. He would find a way to go on in her absence; he'd wait for her no matter how long it took for her to come back from this. But in his heart, from the very depths of his soul he did not think this was the right thing to do.

"John, I don't doubt your ability to care for her...or your love for her," she admitted. "But right now, she needs an escape from all of this," Helen whispered softly.

"Anna, tell me what you want. Whatever it is love, I'll do it," John encouraged her to speak.

Nothing seemed like the right answer anymore, if such a thing existed. Their house represented loss but she didn't want to be without John. Either way, the universe was urging her to move forward and that would only take her further away from a time and place when they had been happy. She couldn't handle staring at the pained look on John's face any longer and turned to her mother seeking some sort of guidance but still refrained from speaking a single word.

He wouldn't hold it against her if she left. He wouldn't have even held it against her if she didn't want to come back to this place. So long as they were still together he would be satisfied. But Anna's hesitation to make a decision made him believe that she was actually considering leaving the cottage to stay with her mother. John felt the muscles in his chest constricting, tightening almost to the point that it was difficult to breathe. He thought his heart might beat out of his chest before his very eyes. The realization set in that this might finally be the straw that broke the camel's back. They had finally reached their limit and this would be the thing that broke them. He slowly released Anna's hand and excused himself, "I need to get some air." John unbuttoned the top collar button and let out a forced breath as he walked out of the room. He was about to head out the back door to sit on his rocking chair on the porch when a knock at the door forced him to change his course.

John half expected to see Lord Grantham or perhaps Mrs. Hughes at the door when he opened it but was instead met by the postal worker from the village. "Mr. Noland, we don't get many visits from you. What can I do for you sir?" John asked as he tried to regain his composure.

"Well, your order finally showed up and when I saw how heavy it was I thought I'd deliver it for you myself seeing as how you would have your cane to contend with," Mr. Noland said happily.

"My order?" John asked racking his brain.

"Mmmhmm," he said with an eager nod of the head. "It was a bit of a haul up the dirt path, but nothing I couldn't handle. Where would you like it?"

"In the sitting room is fine," he said with a gesture of his hand as he held the door open. But the moment John saw the writing on the outside of the box he knew exactly what it was. The crib. He couldn't risk Anna seeing it. "Actually can you put it on the porch in the back."

"You sure?" Mr. Noland asked after having just set it down.

"I'm sorry to make you move it again. It was supposed to be a surprise," he said sadly.

"Ah, for your missus. Not a problem," Mr. Noland replied. After moving it outside he shook John's hand and accepted his payment for the delivery before leaving. "Have a good day, Mr. Bates," Mr. Noland said over his shoulder as he walked out of sight.

John still stood in the open doorway. "A good day," he said slowly to himself. The words sounded so foreign to him. It was hard to think of a good day, when everything appeared to be clouded in heartache in gloom. He remembered meeting Anna that first day at Downton. He remembered the way she smiled when he brought her that tray in the sleeping quarters. He remembered telling her of his plans for a hotel by the sea and children. He thought of the way she looked the day they pledged their love and lives to one another. It all seemed so long ago now. He had to wonder if he would ever see his wife smile again the way she had on those good days and let out a small cry. It wasn't even audible, but it was enough to give him some relief.

He walked out back and let the door shut with a slam. John crossed his arms and stared at the rather large box as he paced back and forth. Consumed with anger and grief, John tore it open with his bare hands and pulled out the already assembled crib in one swift motion. The abrupt way he set it down, left it rocking slightly on the floorboards of their tiny porch and he suddenly hated it even more. But why? How could something that he had been so sure Anna would love suddenly leave him feeling so sickened, vile, and betrayed? Empty. It was empty. That's what was wrong with it. John suddenly felt a surge of adrenaline and hatred course through his body, his muscles tensed, and his hands clenched his cane until his knuckles turned white. He discarded his cane as it clattered to the floor before kicking the crib across the porch with his good leg. John watched as it slid off the edge and landed on the grass with a thud.

John dragged the crib across the lawn, occasionally slowing down as it knocked against his bad leg, but it did little to deter him. Without even thinking he set it atop the stump that he normally used for chopping firewood and found the axe still settled in the place from the day before. John reared his body back and let the bit of the axe come down with a crushing blow, splitting the top of the crib in two. The tears began to stream down his face. "She didn't deserve this!" he yelled to anyone that would listen. John readied his stance once more, his body lacking form, but the next strike was just as effective. "We didn't deserve this!" The tears were falling more freely now as he pulled back again, causing his shirt to tear, but he didn't notice or care. John could only focus on the crib that had once held so much promise and hope for the future. He didn't care if he was there swinging that axe all night, he didn't want to see that damn crib ever again. "Were we such bad people that we deserved to be punished? To have our baby taken away? Why him?" There were so many unanswered questions. And when the questions he asked continued to go unanswered it only made the anger in him bubble over even more. John let out a guttural groan as he continued to break down the crib, so much so that there was nothing left.

He finally stopped when the axe broke through the crib and landed in the stump beneath it. John pulled so hard to remove the blade of the axe from the stump that the handle broke off. He ended up throwing it into the trees that lined the back of their yard only to fall onto the ground when he knocked himself off balance. His body was racked with sobs as tears mixed with sweat after his exertions.

John suddenly felt a pair of arms wrapped around his neck and a familiar weight against his back. She said his name over and over trying to bring him back to her while she stroked his back to calm him. But the tears wouldn't stop. He cried like a baby as they sat there alone in the grass. He turned in her arms to face her and let his head fall against her chest and muttered, "I wish I could have been there. Maybe if we'd gotten you to the doctor sooner…" He continued to cry as she held him, only now they were crying together.

"It's alright my love," Anna whispered into his ear. Having heard the slam of the door from upstairs and the noise that followed Anna had gotten out of bed and watch John have an emotional breakdown from their bedroom window. She came down as quickly as her body would allow her, worried that John had hurt himself. Instead she had to watch him crumble into a heap on the ground as he admonished himself. Anna listened as he went on about how he had failed her countless times; the delay in getting a divorce, the time lost while he was in jail, that if they had bought the hotel they always wanted he would have been closer to her. "It's my job as your husband...I'm supposed to protect you and ensure your happiness. I couldn't even do that," he said as she wiped the tears from his face.

His words struck a chord in her heart and something told her that if she didn't say something now that they would both be lost to this. She took his face in both of her hands and ran her thumbs across his cheeks to calm him and forced him to focus on her, with eyes unblinking. "John. John, listen to me. Are you listening?"

John nodded his head as tears continued to trickle down his face.

"You've made me happier than I could have ever imagined," she said. Her eyes were filled with tears but they were also filled with love. Her tender gaze fell upon him as she said, "I still don't regret a minute of being your wife or falling in love with you. I don't know how to go on right now, but I know I don't want to go on without you."

"Nor I, you," he replied before kissing her cheek.

Helen watched on from the porch as her daughter comforted her son-in-law. She knew that the miscarriage had upset them both but she had not realized how much it affected John. He had hardly said anything after they lost the baby and she had assumed that his tears had been all in the name of Anna. Now she saw that his tight lipped resolve was all for the sake of staying strong for her daughter. These last few days had been a lesson in love for her as she observed his unending devotion towards Anna, the reassuring way in which he spoke, and the soft manner in which he touched and held her. Helen knew then that she had been wrong. He may not have been the most perfect person on paper, but they were made for each other. She couldn't have picked a better man for her daughter.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: I'm back from vacation and trying to get caught up on writing projects again. Thanks so much for all the reviews I received while I was out. I hope you all enjoy where this fic is taking you so far. Thanks again to A-Lady-to-Me and Terriejane for helping me out with this fic. Again reviews are greatly appreciate, please enjoy!**_

**Part XIII**

After John's break down in the yard, things between the couple began to change. Most of them were minor changes, but they were all for the better. At least now they were beginning to move forward together. Anna made a conscious effort to join John and her mother for dinner that night. She barely ate a thing, but it was more than she'd eaten in all the previous days put together. She even managed some small talk with Helen as they washed the dishes together after dinner.

Anna and John held each other tighter than they ever had that night as they laid in bed. John didn't whisper promises of better days as he usually did and the silence scared them both. Instead he kissed her and told her that he'd love her no matter what. "However, whatever, whenever. Remember?" he whispered in the dark. John shifted so that his front was to her back as his arms shielded her from the world. His warm, wet lips pressed a kiss to her temple as his hand gently squeezed hers.

"I do," she replied back in a voice veiled in tears.

They were quiet a little longer, but they could both tell that the other was still wide awake. John finally spoke up, "You don't have to go back if you don't want to."

"What?" she asked in a voice louder than he had become accustomed to in the past few days.

"To work that is," he said seriously. "I just meant that, if you aren't ready to yet or if you don't want to go back at all it's fine. I can take care of you. Of us. We can manage."

Anna didn't say anything, his words reminded her off happier times. Times she wanted back but couldn't seem to see past in this fog she was living in.

"I just want you to know that if you want to try again... When the doctor arts you're well enough...we can. Or if you decide you don't want to that's fine too. Whatever you want. We can try adoption," he offered. She didn't respond to his words. John felt like he had said something wrong and nervously began to back track. "It wouldn't be to replace David of course. I would never dream of doing such a thing."

She let his words wash over her and simply burrowed herself deeper within his hold. John would be heading back to work the next day and Helen would be leaving the day after that. She contemplated if she could handle being left in the cottage by herself. Would it be any easier to watch as her ladyship ascended into the world of motherhood, while she was left to watch from the sidelines? She would have to make a choice soon. Lady Mary would not wait on her forever, no matter how deep the bonds of their friendship ran.

* * *

The next morning she woke up to the realization that John had already risen and gone to work. Her hand had fallen to the empty side of the bed that was left cold in his absence. Sometimes she would still wake up in a panic as memories of those long, lonely nights while he had been wrongly imprisoned haunted her. Anna had to remind herself that he was just performing his duties and was probably just now getting Lord Grantham ready for the day. She could still make out the imprint of his body on the side of the mattress and rolled over to grab his pillow and bring it closer to her. The scent of his body and hair lingered there and filled her senses, bringing her comfort in a way she hadn't expected. Anna was sure she remembered waking up momentarily to him stumbling around in the dark looking for his clothes as he prepared to head to the abbey. She could even recall the way he kissed her on the forehead as he left and whispered in her ear that he loved her. The memory momentarily brought a smile to her face. But it quickly vanished when Anna thought back to the way John had kissed her stomach each morning before they lost the baby. She quickly wiped the tears away that began to spill down her cheeks and urged herself to get out of bed.

When Anna descended the stairs Helen tried not to look too eager or press her daughter to do more than she was ready to do. "Good morning sweetheart," she greeted Anna with a genuine smile.

Anna rubbed at her eyes and squinted heard at the light that flooded their sitting room and kitchen from the outside. John had been kind enough to keep the curtains upstairs closed while she had prefered to be a hermit. "Good morning," Anna replied back in the kindest tone she could muster. It wasn't so much that she was even mad at Helen, she just didn't feel like hearing a speech from anyone on how she should be trying to put it in the past, least of all from her mother.

Helen gestured for Anna to have a seat at the table. Her mother already had a pot of tea brewing and began pulling out the skillet to get breakfast started. Anna doubted she'd be able to put much away, but it did smell delicious. Helen hummed a little too cheerfully in the background but soothed Anna's ruffled feathers when she placed a kiss on her daughter's forehead before setting down a plate of bacon, toast, and eggs before her.

"Oh, mother this is too much," Anna said feeling guilty that Helen had slaved away on something she'd barely be able to scratch the surface of.

"You just eat what you can. I know it's your favorite," her mother insisted. "We have to get your strength back to what it was."

Anna looked down at the yellow yolk at the center of her fried eggs and felt her stomach began to churn when the yolk broke free and oozed across the plate. Helen bustled about in the background, cleaning whatever surface she could, even though Anna was sure her mother had already cleaned that spot three times over. It was the nature of Smith women to clean or keep oneself occupied during times of stress or sadness. She found she was able to eat the eggs if she scooped them onto a piece of toast and forced herself to swallow hard as her body became reaccustomed to eating solid food once more.

"How's the tea? Is it too hot?" Helen asked eagerly.

Anna knew her mother was desperate to get some form of communication out of her, no matter what the conversation was about. She took pity on the older woman who stared at her like she was a foreigner. Anna hadn't seen herself in the mirror in days, but she was sure it was a far cry from the way she normally looked. "It's fine," Anna managed to report, "...everything is just fine." Yet, even as she uttered those words she knew her heart betrayed her brain. Everything was not fine. Her lip quivered as she stared back at the half eaten plate of food. Her brows furrowed together, as if that would somehow stop the tears from reappearing. "Excuse me," Anna said as she dabbed at her mouth and began to rise from the chair. Just then she felt a warm hand land upon her shoulder and lightly push her back down into her seat.

Helen was now standing above her and facing down at her with sympathy in her eyes. "Anna, I know everything is not fine. It probably won't be for some time. Not for John and especially not for you," Helen said.

"I don't want to forget him. But I wish it would all just go away," Anna tried to explain.

"I know my love," Helen said. Helen hated watching her baby's heart break. Even more so, she hated the reason for why it was breaking. She had not even had a moment to process the joy at the prospect of being a grandmother before she was mourning the loss of her grandson. Helen wanted so badly to make it better or find the words to say to give Anna some relief, but there was no way to mend a broken heart.

"It hurts, Mama," Anna cried out as she threw her arms around Helen's waist. Anna hadn't called her that since she was a little girl. "My heart hurts. Every second that we are living, is one more second that we're moving further away from him."

Anna's tears had stained her apron, but Helen paid it no mind as she stroked her daughter's hair. "You'll get through it my darling. One day at a time," Helen said as she ran her hand along Anna's cheek and wiped the tears away for her. "I'm here for you. We all are."

Anna only cried harder, her body shaking with every sob. "It's not fair, Mama. It's not fair," Anna cried like she had as a child. Most of the words she spoke were lost in her cries, but Helen didn't need to hear her words to get the message.

"Oh my darling, I wish I didn't have to leave you like this tomorrow. I'll worry about you even more when I can't see you everyday," Helen admitted aloud. She took a seat in the chair across from Anna and dried her daughter's eyes with a wash cloth. "Anna, I wont force you to go, but I do hope you know there will always be a place for you back at home. For the both of you," Helen suggested. "I know it's hard to get time away from the Abbey, but I would love to see you more."

Anna's cries began to subside. For the first time in days, Anna's eyes looked suddenly hopeful. It gave her some relief that her mother seemed to have finally come around to the idea of John being her husband. It just tore her to pieces that it had to be under such tragic circumstances.

"I know your brother would love to see you more as well," Helen said in an attempt to cheer her up.

"Thank you mother, but...I can't leave them. Not now anyway," Anna said.

"Who? The Crawleys?" her mother asked.

"No, John and David. I couldn't bear to leave them both behind. John needs me. We need each other and it wouldn't seem right to leave so soon after burying him," Anna tried to explain.

Her mother was all too familiar with the heartache her daughter was experiencing. She nodded her head in agreement and as much as it pained her for Anna to decline her invitation, Helen understood that Anna had to grieve in her own way. She had to heal in her own time. She would reach out when she was ready to.

"I think I just need to get out of this house...get back to work. I need to keep my mind busy," Anna said.

"If that's what you want, then I'll support you," Helen said. "And if you change your mind then I'll support you in that. I just want you to be happy."

"I don't think I'll be happy for some time, but thank you, Mum," Anna said.

Helen embraced Anna, hoping that she could transfer some of her strength over to her daughter. She only hoped that John could be all that Anna needed him to be as they made their way past this difficult time.

* * *

Mrs. Hughes had seen the valet a few times that morning, but she hadn't dared to bring up the current situation with him in front of the rest of the staff even though she was dying to know how Anna was doing. Some of the other staff had offered their sympathies or had asked that John pass on a kind word or two to Anna. Thomas had been so kind as to avoid any unwarranted comments and had even managed a sympathetic smile that he threw in John's direction. Yet the moment John had looked at the empty seat next to him that Anna normally filled he felt a lump form in his stomach and pushed his bowl of porridge away in favor of spending time in the boot room.

"Mr. Bates, there you are," Elsie said.

"Where else would I be?" John asked in a morose tone.

"I just thought you might be upstairs with his Lordship or perhaps spending the day outside since the weather has finally cleared up," she said with a half smile.

"Has it? I hadn't noticed," John replied only more engrossed than usual in the brushing of Lord Grantham's boots.

"Would you mind stepping into my office?" she asked kindly.

John couldn't explain why but he was irritable today and the request had reminded him of the way his mother used to call on him when he was in trouble. He set the boots and the brush down and grabbed his cane to walk the short distance down the hall to Mrs. Hughes office. He took up a seat in the chair across from her desk as he awaited the awkward conversation that was sure to follow..

Mrs. Hughes gently shut the door behind her to afford them some privacy, but she didn't want to speak first. She knew the first day back would be difficult for the both of them.

She didn't even have to say anything, the look in her eyes said it all. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Hughes. I just can't stop worrying about Anna. I know I shouldn't be since her mother is with her, but it just doesn't seem right me being here while she's at home," he replied apologetically.

"It's quite alright Mr. Bates. I understand. How does Anna feel about returning after she takes her mother to the station tomorrow?" she asked. Mrs. Hughes hoped she wasn't prying too much, but she also knew John was aware it came from a place of love.

John stopped picking at the imaginary pieces of lint on his jacket before addressing the housekeeper head on. "I really don't know. I think she's pushing herself to come back because she believes it's the right thing to do. Because it is what everyone is telling her to do. I initially thought the same, but now I'm not so sure. I guess we'll have to see how she fares when she returns."

"Well, we know Anna is made of tougher stuff. The last thing she'll want is for all of us to treat her as if she's broken and wrap her in cotton," Mrs. Hughes commented knowing the Lady's maid all too well. She had always held a soft spot for Anna since she'd first arrived at Downton, no more than fifteen years old.

"That's the problem though. Anna has always been one to minimize things. I'm concerned that even if it proves too much for her, she won't tell me so, or anyone else for that matter," he confessed.

The housekeeper let out a heavy sigh before speaking, "I realize I don't have any experience in the ways of marriage, so perhaps my advice will fall on deaf ears. But I think that you and Anna know how to read one another better than anyone else. You have to trust that she will open up to you."

"And if she doesn't?" he cut her off. His tone was not one of malice, but rather desperation.

"Then you read her like you've always done. You intervene in whatever way you have to. Reach out to her when she is too scared to say so and save her when she needs to be rescued," she said.

"I don't know that I can. I already failed her once," he replied softly.

"Then you'll need to have more faith in yourself. I know Anna doesn't like you to be so self deprecating. And the same goes for me," she said with a smile. For a moment John smiled back at her, but still had trouble believing her words. "Mr. Bates do you think your wife a fool?" Mrs. Hughes asked in her Scottish brogue.

"No. She's one of the smartest people I've ever met," John answered honestly.

"Do you think she wouldn't have picked you for a husband if she didn't think you could be there for her the way she needs you to be?"

John was stunned into silence by her question.

"She saw something in you that you didn't see. Now whether or not you know what it is, you just keep doing what feels right," Mrs. Hughes said.

John sat there for a few seconds as he let Mrs. Hughes words sink in. John slowly began to rise from his chair and once he was at full attention he spoke up, "Mrs. Hughes, I don't know that I could ever fully express how truly thankful I am for the way you've helped with Anna. But your assistance has been much appreciated."

"No thanks is necessary," Elsie replied.

John excused himself from the office and walked out in silence.

Elsie watched as John made his way down the hallway, his slightly altered gate only more pronounced by the way his head hung low and his shoulders hunched forward. She hoped her words had their intended effect on John as she silently said a prayer in the hallway for the both of them.


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: I'm trying to make Anna go through the seven stages of grief, so I figure she's somewhere between stage 3 and 4 which would be anger/bargaining and depression. She and John are on the road to healing, but her mother's departure makes her feel more alone. I didn't have time to write the next chapter last night, but it's not far behind and it will pick up the same night that this chapter ended on. So there will be resolution to the exchange between John and Anna :) . Thanks again to A-Lady-to-Me and Terriejane for helping me out with this fic. Again reviews are greatly appreciate, please enjoy!**_

**Part XIV**

John travelled the short length down the stairs and found Helen was already packed and dressed. She had a pot of tea brewing and appeared to be getting breakfast ready. "All ready to go then?" he asked trying to remain upbeat. In truth, John was scared out of his wits. He had promised Helen he could take care of Anna on his own and now he wondered if he should have encouraged Anna to leave with her mother. Heading back to Downton would be a daunting task when she was still grieving, and even harder when her Ladyship was with child. John knew that he hadn't gotten off on the right foot with Helen, but he hoped he had been able to make a better impression on her before she left. Maybe she could take some comfort in that before leaving her only daughter behind.

"I think I've gotten everything I need," she replied with a half-smile. Reading John's eyes, he could see that he was just as uneasy about her leaving Anna as she was. It wasn't John she was worried about now, of that much she was sure. No, her doubts lie with Anna. If Anna wasn't truly open and honest with John about her grief and when things were becoming too much, and if he failed to read the signs; she feared her daughter would be lost to heartache.

"I didn't expect you to be up so early, what with your train leaving at eight," John noted as he looked outside. The sun wasn't even up yet. He chuckled slightly to himself as he remembered one of their first conversations. You could take the girl off the farm, but not the farm out of the girl.

"Habit," she said. Helen set a plate down on the table for him with eggs, sausages, and rolls. "I was hoping to have breakfast with you both, but I suppose Anna still has to be pried out of bed most mornings," she joked. They both laughed softly until she realized that since Anna had lost the baby, she did have to be pried out of bed most mornings.

John didn't want to touch the subject. They both knew what they were all going through, it would do no good to continue talking about things they couldn't change. "Well, I'm sure I'm not much of a substitute for conversation and company, but I'd never turn down a meal. Mrs. Patmore's gruel in the morning is all well and good, but I do yearn for a bit of variety to start my day off," he said.

The two of them shared an easy smile. Helen sat across from John and watched him scarf his food down, but John came to a slow when he noticed she wasn't eating. "John, I...I really must apologize for the way I treated you when I first got here. It was wrong of me. And I shouldn't have thrown that upon Anna to deal with. I feel as if...this is in some way partially my fault."

"Helen, it is no ones fault," John corrected her.

She quickly cut him off, "Please, let me finish. I have to get this off my chest. Even if it isn't, I've come to admire you and respect you in these last couple days and I feel it would be an injustice to keep this from you. I know Anna has too kind of a heart to ever tell you this but…" Helen steadied herself and finally got up the nerve. "The day that Anna lost the baby, I suggested that she should leave you and try to find another man."

"What?"

"I know it upset her terribly. I now see there was no point. Not only because she loved you so fiercely, but because there isn't one. That is there isn't another man I could think of that is more suited for my daughter. Anna went up to her room crying after our argument and she lost the baby shortly after." Helen fidgeted with the hem of the tablecloth as she watched his face transition through a range of emotions.

The fork that looked so small in his large hands shook noticeably and John's jaw locked in place as he processed her words. He swallowed the food that he had already been chewing on and set the fork down. John dabbed at the corners of his mouth with a napkin before he scooted his chair back. His eyes rose towards the ceiling, as if he could somehow see through walls to check on whether or not Anna had awoken yet. "Now I see," he replied in a soft voice. "It all makes sense now why she pushed you away after it happened. Why she remained so distant. Why Mrs. Hughes was allowed in the room but not you," John said in a voice that was laced with contempt.

"John, I'd take it back if I could. You know me now. You know I did it out of love for Anna," she pleaded. "I wouldn't dream of taking her away from you now."

John could tell her words were genuine and his heart sank a little at the thought that Anna could have left him twice now. But she didn't. She was just as faithful and loyal to him as the day they had met. If he had gotten upset at Helen in that moment, he knew Anna would not have begrudged him for doing so. He had every right to. But he also knew that there were a lot of things Anna had overlooked on his part out of love for him. He owed it to her to do the same. John thought he heard stirrings coming from upstairs and lowered his voice more, "I know you wouldn't. We cannot go back and change things. I will forgive this because I know it will make Anna happy."

"Thank you for that," she said. They stared blankly at one another after that, unsure of how to move forward.

"I should be heading off now," John said as he headed for the door to grab his coat and bowler hat.

"John, I have to ask you a favor," Helen said her voice trailing off. She wondered if this was asking too much after her revelation.

John nodded in approval for her to continue as he readjusted his tie and huffed his jacket over his shoulders.

"Will you write to me?" Helen asked. She could see the confusion that had settled itself on his face. "To let me know how Anna is," Helen clarified.

John felt somewhat uncomfortable with this request, as if he were betraying a trust between he and Anna. They had had enough secrets in their past, mostly on his part; he wouldn't allow another one to bury them. Not when everything was so fragile between them at the moment. "Can't you just write her yourself?" he asked, attempting not to sound rude.

"You should know better than I that Anna has always been one to minimize things. I worry that if I write or call that she'll make light of things or ignore me all together. She'll think I'm meddling. You can't blame a mother for wanting to make sure things are alright after going through something like this," Helen tried to reason with him.

"No, I suppose not," he answered back. John bit down on his bottom lip as he considered the implications of what was to come if Anna ever got wind of this agreement he had made in secret. But staring at the older woman suddenly reminded him of his own mother and he sympathized with her. Nearly ten years before, when John had found out that Anna had gone to his own mother to clear his name without his knowledge he had been upset at first. But he could never find fault with her for acting out of love. Not when she was trying to protect him. And now John had to do the same. "Very well. I will write to you. Anna must never know of this though, at least not right now. I'll tell her in my own time. When I feel she has had enough time to heal," he reluctantly agreed.

"I appreciate that, John. I really do hope she is able to make peace with all of this soon and that one day your house is filled with little ones. I hope that I'm wrong and that Anna is able to heal in her own home," Helen said as her voice wavered with emotion.

"I'll take good care of her. I promise," John said as he began to open the door. "Safe travels on your way back to the farm." John stretched his hand out to shake hers and she willingly took it.

* * *

Anna and her mother waited anxiously on the platform of the train station for her mother to depart. Anna was feeling a culmination of emotions and gripped the handle of her bag more tightly than usual. She thought she might break the handle off and was reminded of how John had already fixed the bag once before, after he was released from prison. It felt like there was something more that should be said between them. Some unspoken phrase that might give them both peace of mind that they would see one another again and that things would be better the next time around. Helen wasn't even gone yet and Anna was already feeling her absence. Anna hadn't realized how much she truly missed her mother's presence until this trip. They weren't getting any younger and what if this was the last time she saw her mother in person? Anna normally wouldn't have allowed her mind to drift to such dark thoughts, but then again she had always thought she'd get a chance to see her brother again. That was not to be.

The sound of the train whistle blew in the distance as it approached the station. The piercing wail of noise cut through the air like a knife and jostled Anna from her thoughts.

"That's me," her mother said.

"I wish the visit could have been under different circumstances," Anna said with a heavy sigh.

Helen set her bag down on the platform beside her feet. She stepped towards Anna, but left a small gap between them. Helen rubbed Anna's arm soothingly, "It wasn't in your control, Anna. You are not to blame."

Anna's strong exterior began to crumble in response to her mother's words. She tried to focus on the sound of wheels rolling on the train track. It was a reminder that time was still moving, she had to keep moving. They all did. "Mother...I…" Anna began to speak but Helen stopped her when she threw her arms around her and hugged Anna as hard as her daughter would allow.

"I'm so glad I got a chance to see you. To see the woman you've become and the life you are living. I'm glad I finally got the chance to meet, John. I can see now what you see in him and it does my heart proud," she whispered into Anna's hair. Helen could feel Anna's resolve crumbling, but this was something she had to say. "You looked so happy when I first got here," Helen said, but immediately regretted her words. She knew that Anna's life would now be separated into compartments of 'before' and 'after'. "I have never seen you so happy. I know you will be happy again. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but one day my darling you will have the baby you've always dreamed of."

"And what if I don't," Anna finally gave voice to her greatest fear.

"Then you have that wonderful husband of yours to keep you company. You could do a lot worse," her mother assured her. "Whatever you do, don't shut him out, Anna. He loves you with his whole heart."

Anna chewed her lip for a moment, wanting to hold onto her mother for as long as she could. She felt like a little girl all over again. The day she had been sent to Downton very real in her mind, like it just happened yesterday. "Don't leave, Mama," Anna said softly.

"I have to my darling. But I am always here for you. Never forget that," Helen instructed. She could feel Anna's head nodding in agreement against her shoulder. Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks now. "You be sure to come visit when you can...with John," her mother reminded as the train docked in the station.

"I will," Anna uttered. "I love you."

Helen pulled back and cupped her daughter's cheeks. "I love you too, sweetheart. You take care of yourself and be sure to write me. Promise me that."

"I promise," Anna replied.

They said their goodbyes and eventually Anna began her long trudge back to the Abbey. But she had to stop somewhere first.

* * *

John sat in the servants hall having his morning tea after having just gotten his Lordship ready for a day of riding. His eyes were glued to his pocket watch as he checked the time for what seemed like the millionth time that morning. It was going on nine o'clock. Anna should have made it back from the station by now. Maybe it was all too much for her and she had changed her mind about returning to work. But it was unlike Anna not to tell him so he could pass along the message or at the very least to call Mrs. Hughes or Mr. Carson and inform them of her intended absence. His brow creased with worry and he began to rise from his chair to work on some mending for his Lordship when he heard the all too familiar sound of the back door open. John's ears perked up and his eyes lit up as he eagerly awaited her arrival. His heart stopped beating as he waited for her lovely face to grace the servants hall once more. Her steps were soft, but he had already caught a hint of her perfume as it lingered down the hallway.

Anna made her way into the servants hall, hoping that they didn't make too much of a fuss over her return. Her eyes were positioned down towards her feet and she fumbled with her hands.

"Anna, welcome back my dear girl," Mrs. Hughes said as she ran into the Lady's maid in the hallway.

"It's good to be back," she replied. It was a lie. Anna dreaded the questions that surely awaited her and the eyes filled with pity. Anna doubted she would hear much talk of it in the servants hall, as such a topic was often quickly dismissed by Mr. Carson. But it was inevitable and she did the best she could to prepare herself. Her emotions were running high; the loss of her baby had only been made harder by the departure of her mother that morning. She nearly burst into tears as the train had slowly moved out of sight, knowing that a visit that had been filled with such trepidation over their pending announcement had been replaced with sorrow.

Mrs. Hughes was not ignorant. She had known Anna since she was a scrawny little thing; no bigger than Daisy. Anna's eyes were puffy and void of emotion, her cheeks stained by fresh tears, her skin more pale than usual, and her figure was slight from not eating enough. She'd give her this much, Anna put up a brave front. Mrs. Hughes was not sure she would be able to do the same under such circumstances. "Would you like to come into my office and have a chat?" the older woman offered sympathetically.

"I really should be heading upstairs to see to Lady Mary. I didn't expect my mother's train to be running late and I am sure I have plenty to catch up on," Anna said quickly. It sounded a little too rehearsed. She hoped Mrs. Hughes hadn't noticed. Anna turned around on her feet as fast as she could without bursting into a sprint and headed up the stairs.

John sighed in defeat, having heard the entire conversation from the servants hall. His wife hadn't even stopped to make eye contact with him. Today would be a tough one and he hoped that she would lean on him if she felt the need to. He would seek her out once he knew she had tended to Lady Mary.

* * *

Anna worked in silence as she finished styling Lady Mary's hair. She set the last of her bobby pins in place and pinched the clasp shut on the necklace Lady Mary was wearing before taking a step back and grabbing the laundry from the floor. Anna could barely stand to look at her reflection in the mirror, let alone directly. The happiness that was so evident upon her Ladyship's face was undeniable. Even when Lady Mary wasn't smiling about her pregnancy the glow about her was too radiant to be disputed. Anna had never been an envious person or even a bitter one, but even she could identify these characteristics in herself at that moment. Her employer already had so much, the world handed to her on a silver spoon, and here she was getting something else that she wanted. It was supposed to be her turn to be happy and yet even attempting to pretend to be happy was utterly exhausting.

"Anna, are you alright?" Mary asked.

"Yes, M'lady," Anna answered quickly.

"You look unwell, perhaps you returned too soon?" Mary asked more as a friend than an employer.

"I'll be fine, M'lady."

"You'll be sure to let me know if it's too much for you. I can have Mrs. Hughes lighten your load until you are ready to return to your normal duties," Mary offered.

"That won't be necessary, M'lady," Anna said as she swallowed her sorrow.

Never one for skirting around the subject, Lady Mary spoke again. "But the doctor said you could try again eventually?"

"He seemed hopeful," Anna tried to keep a brave face on. "I just…," Anna faltered in her words as she tried to focus on folding a blanket that had been left unattended on the bed. "I don't know that I would be willing to. To try again that is," Anna corrected herself. "I don't think we could survive another heartache," she confessed to Lady Mary with tears in her eyes.

"Oh Anna," Lady Mary cooed as she began to rise to comfort her friend.

"I'm sorry, M'lady. I shouldn't be bothering you with my troubles," Anna said as she walked out of the room.

As Anna headed down the corridor she saw John exiting Lord Grantham's room but turned a corner before he could catch her. She swore she heard him call her name and hid in one of the linen closets. It wasn't that she didn't want her husband. On the contrary. She needed John like she needed air. But Anna also knew if she had to listen to him attempt to comfort her right now, she would wilt in his arms. She wouldn't find the strength to compose herself and make it through the rest of the night. As it was she had already avoided him all day, along with everyone else that showed her any form of attention or sympathy.

The door opened and she thought it would be John, her eyes flew open wide and she quickly wiped her tears away.

"Anna?" a kind voice asked.

It was a familiar voice and it certainly sounded genuine, but the person on the other end of that voice came as a shock. "Thomas?" she countered his question with one of her own.

"Are you alright?" he asked. Thomas immediately realized the stupidity of his question. "Should I get Mr. Bates?" he asked with genuine concern.

"No," she brushed off.

Thomas looked confused and surprised.

"Can you get me out of here without anyone seeing? I need some air," she said feeling like someone was suffocating her.

"Of course," he replied with a nod of the head. He guided her by the elbow and kept a look out as they rounded each corner and descended the stairs until they reached the courtyard.

* * *

"Better?" Thomas asked. He took off his jacket and placed it around her shoulders to shield her from the cold outside. It was a particularly freezing day, even for spring in England. He was certain no one would be coming out here unless they were specifically looking for him. And no one usually came to look for Thomas.

Anna nodded her head in agreement as Thomas leaned forward to remove a pack of cigarettes from the jacket pocket. She watched as he took a long drag off one of the cigarettes and pushed a loose, black hair back in place.

"Here, take a swig of this, it will warm you up," Thomas suggested as he pulled out a flask from another pocket.

She hesitated for a moment and looked around before taking a long swig of it. Her face scrunched up and her eyes winced shut as the strong taste of the liquor coursed through her veins. Anna tried to hand it back to him, but he waved it off encouraging her to drink more. "Thomas, why are you helping me?"

He blew some more smoke out in the opposite direction of Anna. "It's not against the law to help," he pointed out with a smirk.

"No. But I know you don't care for Mr. Bates," she commented.

"Doesn't mean I don't care about you," he replied as he let out a puff of smoke.

For the first time that day she smiled. It wasn't a large one. Her teeth weren't exposed and it didn't quite reach her eyes, but she felt a hint of a weight lift off her shoulders. "Honestly, though? You couldn't say one sympathetic thing about Lady Cora when she lost her baby," Anna reminded him

"Their lot is different. Our lot has enough troubles to contend with," he said.

It was the first thing that Thomas had said in a long time that Anna agreed with wholeheartedly. She knew that the Crawleys had their human moments, when the laws of society didn't keep them separate. But it didn't change how she felt about Lady Mary right now.

"You've always been kind to me, Anna. We may have our disagreements, but you've always been kind," he remarked. Thomas stubbed out his cigarette against the wall and stared down at the Lady's maid whom he had known more than half of his life. "I suppose it was because I saw the way everyone was looking at you. I know what it's like to have that glare upon you, even when it's not malicious. The way a room goes silent when you walk in, like everyone was just talking about you. The way they start to come up with their own answers as you refuse to address their questions." He saw understanding in Anna's eyes but not pity. Never pity from Anna. "I can tell you one thing, you won't hear me talking about you. And I'll put an end to anyone I catch talking about it," he assured. "I am sorry for your loss. Truly."

"Thomas? Have you seen...oh," John's voice was cut short as he saw Anna sat on top of a crate in the courtyard. Thomas's jacket seemed to cloak her in darkness and he could see the flask that still sat in her hands. "Anna? I've been looking all over for you," he said worriedly. "What are you doing out here?"

"I just needed a moment to myself," she said unable to meet his eyes. It wasn't a lie. It didn't change the fact that she knew it was wrong to avoid her husband.

"With Thomas?" John asked in confusion. He seemed mildly hurt that his wife had confided in the under butler for help and had forgone the help of her husband.

"I just needed to escape the stares and the questions," she said.

"I'll give you two a moment alone," Thomas excused himself.

"Your jacket," Anna reminded him.

"Keep it, I'll fetch another one in the livery cupboard," Thomas said.

"She can take mine," John said a little too firmly for Anna's liking. He removed Thomas's jacket from her shoulders and curtly passed it back to Thomas.

Once the under butler was out of sight Anna let out an aggravated huff towards him. "That seemed highly unnecessary," she scolded.

"What? It's only Thomas," John wrote it off. It wasn't as if Thomas had ever said a kind word towards him.

"He was only helping me. Not everything is about a vendetta against you," Anna said as she shrugged off the jacket and gave it back to John. Without another word she eased herself off the crates and ran back inside, leaving John in the lurch.


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N: This is a direct continuation off of the last chapter. I didn't want to leave you all hanging as I will be working on updating my other stories for a bit. Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews, they mean so much to me. **__**  
**_

**Part XV**

She had remained distant from him for the rest of the evening. John tried not to take it to heart. This was just her way of processing her grief, he reasoned. He took some comfort in the fact that she didn't seem to be limiting her detached nature to just him, it seemed she had done the same to everyone else. The only exception being Lady Mary; she couldn't very well ignore her employer. Throughout the day everyone seemed to be pulling him aside and asking how Anna was doing and questioning whether her return to work had been rushed. If only they knew. John had been dead set against her return so soon, but Anna had insisted it was what she needed

The servants had finished breakfast long before Anna arrived at Downton that morning. At lunch, she had simply pushed her food around on the plate and barely sipped at her water. And dinner time went much the same. Her lack of intake and her tiny frame had not gone unnoticed by Mr. Bates, let alone the rest of the staff. John could only hope that Helen had managed to get her to eat a little of something before they had left for the station that morning. He'd begun to feel a rush of hopelessness overtake him, but then their eyes would find each other across the dinner table and even in a room full of other people he could only see her. She produced a small smile. It was forced. It wasn't the smile John was used to, but he admired her for trying for his sake.

The bell on the wall tolled for Lady Mary and the spell was broken. Slowly, they all left to attend to their respective employers. As John rose from the table to tend to Lord Grantham he was stopped by Mrs. Patmore, "I couldn't help but notice that Anna hardly touched any of the food I made her today."

"I wouldn't take it personally Mrs. Patmore, she hasn't been eating much of anything. Not even from her mother. And Mrs. Smith's cooking would give you a run for your money," he said with a hint of a smile.

"Perhaps I should pack a pail of food for you to take home with you, in case she changes her mind later," Mrs. Patmore volunteered.

"That would be lovely, but I make no promises that she'll eat it," Mr. Bates replied back.

"It makes no difference. Sometimes, it's the offer that means more than the food itself. It lets her know we care," Mrs. Patmore reminded him.

"I hope you're right," John said with a worried tone.

* * *

"Bates, I said I wanted the black jacket," Robert reminded in a rather sympathetic tone.

"Sorry, my Lord. I guess I've been a bit preoccupied today," John said. That was putting it mildly. He'd been all thumbs since they lost the baby. Anna had consumed his every waking thought and now he was even more concerned because he couldn't keep an eye on her all day.

As he kissed her goodbye that morning he attempted one last time to convince her to stay home. Instead she argued, "And what would I do without my mother and you here?" He had tried to rebuttal but she cut him off, "I'll go mad if I have to stay here by myself." John dropped the matter after that.

"Mary tells me that Anna is back," Robert said as John helped him into the jacket he wanted.

"She is," John answered back as he tried to stay upbeat.

"Seems a bit soon. It hasn't even been a fortnight yet, has it?," Robert asked.

"It's been eleven days m'Lord," Bates said without skipping a beat.

"I remember when Cora lost the baby, she didn't leave her bed for a week and even then she wasn't able to do much of anything for a month afterwards," Robert added.

John kept his focus on the coat brush he had left on the table as he replied back, "I'm probably speaking out of turn but I'm afraid Anna doesn't have that luxury."

"She'll always have a place here, Bates. Surely you must know that," Robert assured.

"It's not that Anna needs to work...that is to say...it's not a matter of financial difficulty. We do not have other children for her to tend to as you and her Ladyship did when you lost your son," John said. Both men were silent and he hoped he hadn't offended Lord Grantham or minimized the loss of his Lordship's fourth child.

"I see. You must forgive my ignorance, Bates," Robert said with pleading eyes.

"It's already forgotten, my Lord," John answered back.

"I can't help feeling like I am at fault here. That I failed to give my wife all the things she deserves," John said with a shake of the head. "If she had been with someone else, someone younger...she would have already had a house full of children by now," he admitted aloud.

Robert gave pause to his friend's words, "I know things seem bleak right now, but Anna is a strong woman. She'll find her way through this with your help. I'm sure of it."

John's eyes had welled up with tears but he didn't let them spill onto his cheek. He wiped them from his eyes with the back of his hand, making sure not to make a mess of his Lordship's jacket.

"Every marriage has its hurdles that we must get over. You've endured so much already, but you've always come out of it on the other side together. I'm sure one day, you both will have the family you desire and this will all seem like a distant memory," Robert said as he gave his old comrade in arms a pat on the shoulder.

"I certainly hope so, m'Lord," John replied.

* * *

John had waited in the servants hall that night as Anna performed her final duties and got Lady Mary ready for bed. He knew she would protest that he should have gone home long ago when his Lordship had gone to bed, but he needed to speak with her. John needed to see her as more than just a passing glimpse in the hallway. Even though Anna's eyes didn't veer up far enough to look past the five feet ahead of her, her presence alone was relief enough to him. They walked side by side in silence. The only noise filling the void was the sound of his cane tapping against the ground with each step providing an easy rhythm for their steps to fall in line with. It was dark out, but thankfully there wasn't a cloud in the sky and the moon lit their path. They both knew the path by heart now, but it was nice when they didn't have any foul weather to contend with so that they could simply talk the whole way back to the cottage.

John looked over at her, even when she wasn't smiling her beauty was breathtaking. He'd always admired that quiet strength about her. Her hair was pinned back under one of her hats, a hat he had bought her on their last anniversary. Her figured looked so small already, but in her black Lady's Maid uniform it made her look even more thin. John thought he heard her let out a small shudder of breath and finally he could take it no more. He had to talk to her. "How was your first day back?" John asked a little too hurriedly.

Anna's eyes widened in response and she looked startled, as if she hadn't noticed he'd been walking beside her all along. "Oh...er…it wasn't too bad," she said none too convincingly.

"I hope you didn't over do it. Mrs. Hughes said if you wanted to adjust your workload until you were feeling back to your old self, you need only ask," he suggested. Dr. Clarkson had warned them both that she needed to take it easy and ease herself back into her normal work routine.

"That's ridiculous. I couldn't ask that," she said in a louder voice than before.

"Of course you can. She offered. Besides, you need to take care of yourself," he said as he stopped to face her.

"John, you're acting as if I just had a baby," she shot back.

The rest of the world may as well have stopped spinning, both of them stood there staring at one another, unable to string together words to continue with conversation. Somewhere in the distance an owl was hooting and it brought them both back to the present. He didn't need the light of the moon to tell him what he already suspected. She had tears in her eyes and he drew her into his arms, "But you did have a baby, my love." John stroked her back with his big, strong hands more tenderly than he ever had. His touch was soft but assuring. John let his lips taste her tears as he kissed her cheek.

"But he's not here," she spoke into his coat and it muffled her sobs.

"I know," John said as he felt her hold tighten around his middle. "Come on, let's get you out of the cold and back to the house. I can run you a hot bath, how does that sound?"

"I don't much care for one," she replied weakly.

"How about a glass of warm milk and some biscuits then? We could even eat in bed if you'd like," he offered.

"No, thank you," she answered back softly. "I do appreciate it, but I don't think I could stomach anything right now. I just want to go to bed."

He didn't like the idea of her not eating, but at least she was talking to him again. "Alright love, whatever you want," he conceded.

* * *

Anna sat at her little vanity combing through her hair when John walked in their bedroom. He had a small tray in hand with a glass of warm milk balancing on it as well as a small plate of biscuits. His cane was hanging off of his wrist and John produced a subtle smile when he caught her reflection in the mirror. She began to speak, but John beat her to it, "I know you said 'no' but I hardly ate today, I've been brooding about you. I thought maybe you'd change your mind and this way you wouldn't steal my share." It was a feeble attempt at a joke, but she smiled back and he was thankful for the little victory. He set the tray down on the bedside table and kicked off his shoes before sinking into their mattress.

He should have been relaxed, but she could read the tension in his shoulders. John looked just as anxious as he had been on their wedding night. Only now instead of finding it endearing, she felt a pang of guilt gnawing at her heart. Just two weeks ago they were falling into bed every night while visions of a little boy or girl danced in their heads, the possibilities seemed endless, and the topic of their hotel had been reignited in the imaginations. In her heart of hearts, Anna knew she couldn't allow John to do all the work here; she would also have to put in the effort to help them move on.

Her stomach growled and she found herself eyeing the chocolate biscuits that were all too tempting. She reached out and grabbed one but barely nibbled at it.

"How did it go when you saw your mother off?" John inquired.

"It went well enough," Anna answered back. She wasn't looking at him and her thoughts must have been miles away. "My mother said she would call if she could. I didn't hear from her, so maybe I'll get a letter in the post in a few days," Anna reasoned. "What makes you ask?"

"Well, for one it's your mother. I just want to make sure she didn't encounter any delays. And you took awhile getting back to Downton…" he said, waiting for her to fill in the blanks.

"I had to make a stop in the village on the way back," she said.

"With Doctor Clarkson? Were you not feeling well?" he began spouting off questions faster than she could answer them.

"No. I...I wanted to stop by to see David. That is, to check on the grave site. I know that probably sounds odd, but I just felt like it's where I needed to be," she said waiting for him to look at her like she had gone soft in the head. But this was John. Her husband, lover, and friend. He would never judge her. She finally gazed up at him and only saw love and devotion there ready to embrace her just as soon as she said the words.

"I only wish you would have told me. I would have love to have gone with you," John said as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He guided her down to lay beside him and stroked her side through her nightgown. She didn't recoil and it gave him some sort of reassurance that his wife wasn't displeased with him, although it did still bother him that she had left to spend time with Thomas over himself.

"John Bates, I know what you are thinking right now. You stop it this instant," she said in a stern but playful tone. "I know it was wrong of me, to snap at you earlier. I would say that 'I don't know what came over me' but we both know that would be a lie. I just needed a break from it all. I love that you care for me the way you do, but there are some aspects of this that I feel I can't do with everyone...hovering around me."

"You feel that I'm crowding you," he said, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I want you to be there, but right now I feel like my role has been rewritten and I don't know how to properly fill it," she said.

"Then let me help you," he insisted.

"I would let you if I thought you could. If I thought any of you could," she stammered.

"Then why Barrow?" John asked with tears in his eyes. He didn't know why but for the first time in his life he felt a twinge of jealousy towards the under butler.

"John…" Anna pawed at him in an effort to comfort him. "It's not that he has a quality you have to be jealous of. It's because he is detached from the situation. He's not so involved or swept up in the matter that he feels the need to coddle me or check on me every fifteen minutes. I just need to find a way to rectify this fault."

"Anna, you are not at fault. What happened was a tragedy, yes, but it is not due to you my darling. Do you not think I feel at fault in the matter?"

"How? You weren't even there," she said as her shoulders slumped forward.

"That is exactly why I feel at fault," he explained.

Now Anna felt horrible that she had been so swept up in her own grief she hadn't bother to notice John's. It was the one time she had failed to defend him against his own self loathing. "We certainly are a pair," she said. "John, I don't blame you for it. For any of it. Even everything that came before, David. I hope you know that. I wouldn't change any of it. Not one bit," Anna said as she reached her hand out for his. Their fingers melded into one another and the warmth that had been noticeably absent the past few days began to rekindle once more.

"I love you, Anna. However, whatever, whenever," John said in a steadfast voice.

"I love you too," she added. "I didn't mean to put you out."

"There's no need for that now. I understand why you did what you did. It's already forgotten," he whispered.

John shifted over in the bed to make room for her on his side. Anna automatically fell in line with his body and let his front press against her back like a shield. His arms wrapped around her and protecting her from the cold and whatever else lay ahead. It wouldn't be the same for awhile, but John found her scent and the touch of her body all too welcoming. He reminded himself that despite what they had lost he still had his Anna; she would always be more than enough for him. They stayed awake listening to one another's breaths until they both fell asleep. Their bodies were tired from the sadness that had filled their bones and their hearts. Yet, they were able to find peace that night in each other's arms, knowing that whatever lay on the horizon, they still had the other to hold onto.


	16. Chapter 16

_**A/N: I apologize for the delay in updates. I've been throwing most of my time into finishing up Make You Feel My Love. Glad to see you all are still enjoying this and keeping up with it. Things are progressing and the Bateses are finally moving out of the darkness. As always thanks to Terrijane and A-Lady-To-Me for editing through this. Please review.**_

**Part XVI**

It had been almost two months since Anna returned to work. Her strength had returned, but her disposition was a different story. Anna remained pleasant of course, but the cheerfulness that had always filled her smile had disappeared. She was still grateful to have John with her and the happiness that she found in her husband's solid form hadn't ebbed in the slightest. The problem was that with each passing day Lady Mary's physical appearance altered even more; her little bundle of joy making itself known to the world. Each morning time Anna had to help Lady Mary change into some new costume or dress was like a slap to the face. And while the Crawleys tried to be sensitive to the Bates's situation, their joy over the potential of an heir being produced couldn't be contained.

In typical Anna fashion, she threw herself into her work. It gave her time to think on what the next step for them was to be. It provided a break in discussion from how she was doing and when she and John might try again. Even though John had never broached the subject with her and respected her space, Anna knew she couldn't put off being intimate forever. But the fact of the matter was, Anna wasn't sure she could allow herself to fall pregnant again. Should another pregnancy turn out as the last one did, Anna was certain she wouldn't survive the devastation. She curtailed her grief as best she could, but John was no fool. On more than one occasion he had caught her in one of the girls' rooms crying, when she was supposed to be making the bed. On mornings when she left early to go to work, but arrived after him, he knew exactly where she'd been. It hurt him so to see that she was visiting David's grave even more frequently than she had in her first week back at Downton, and without him no less.

John had been in correspondence with Helen and was surprised to find out that Anna had barely kept in touch with her mother since her departure. He hated the feeling of betrayal that flooded the back of his mind whenever he spoke of Anna to Helen, but he was at a loss of what to do or how to bring Anna back to him. Helen suggested that he try to spend more time with Anna outside of the house. They were going on three months since they lost their baby and she thought that John had spent enough time giving in to Anna's desire to remain tucked away from the world when they weren't at work. That it was time John bring her out from the shadows and remind her of all the things she was missing out on. John had to agree with Helen on this note, but the bigger question was, would Anna go along with his plan?

One afternoon, when Anna had to run some errands for Lady Mary in the village she took the opportunity to stop by and visit with David. It wasn't as if Anna believed he would talk to her or anything like that, but she felt some sort of comfort in visiting him. Like she hadn't abandoned her child there. With fall fast approaching more leaves were beginning to fall onto the tiny patch of earth and headstone where he was laid to rest. Anna always did her best to clean up the space and place fresh flowers there for him. On this particular day she was surprised to see John kneeling beside the grave, a task that she knew was a hardship on his leg, but she found herself smiling when she saw a tiny elephant figurine being left beside the flowers she had set there two days before. Anna gave him his space but craned her neck closer to overhear what he was saying.

"I don't know why I thought of you when I saw this. You wouldn't have even been able to hold it yet. But it seemed like something you would have liked when you were older. I guess in a roundabout sort of way I was hoping your Mummy would find it here and like it too. Maybe it would bring a smile to her face. She doesn't smile anymore; not like she used to anyway. I miss it. I miss her. I miss you. Your Mummy does too...so, so much," John said. His voice warbled in tone as he tried to keep his emotions in check. "I didn't believe in angels until I met your Mummy, but I know you are up there watching down over us. And I'm sorry you have to see us like this. We weren't always this gloomy. We were happy once. Never happier than when we found out we were going to have you." John wiped at his eyes and placed his bowler hat back in place. "It seems that the day you left, you took the sunshine with you. I'm trying to fix things as best I can, but nothing compares to the warmth and joy that you brought us." John thought he heard the crinkling of leaves beneath someone's feet and turned to find Anna. Her eyes were clouded with tears but she smiled at him.

"I didn't know you came here," Anna said softly. She gripped at her handbag nervously, though she couldn't understand why. Anna had no reason to be nervous around John.

"I hoped I'd run across you one day. After awhile it just became habit. He's easy enough to talk to," John said with a half smile.

"I'd wondered who kept leaving the little toys next to the flowers. At first I thought maybe Mrs. Hughes had done it. Then one day I saw a small metal soldier figurine and I could only think of one person that would put that there," she said with a sigh. "I should have known it was you."

John grinned at her, glad to see that he was still somewhat at the forefront of her mind. He knew she'd never completely forget about him and it wasn't as if Anna didn't love him anymore. It just seemed like she had a harder time sharing that love with him now. Like she was afraid it would be snatched away just as easily as David had been.

"I saved them all you know. The toys that is. I think on some level I always knew it was you. They were silent little reminders that you were still there offering your hand to me," Anna said as she took a deep breath to calm herself. She had almost lost the love of her life again. Only this time it would have been all her fault for pushing him away. "I know I should have spoken to you sooner. Something at the back of my mind kept nagging at me to tell you that this was all becoming too much. I guess I just kept hoping that once enough time passed I'd be able to move on."

"I miss him to you know? Maybe not in the same way you do, but I do. I miss everything he represented. Our future and our survival. He was an unspoken promise of better days to come...that the worst of it was behind us. And then he was gone," John said as he rose to meet her. John brushed off the few leaves that had collected on his pants but waited for her to close the distance.

Anna bit down on her lip as she contemplated speaking what was on her mind.

"You don't have to hold back you know? Not with me anyway," John said sweetly.

"I know."

"I used to be able to read your every thought. Even in those months when we were kept apart while I was in prison. Now I feel like I can barely read your emotions. Why do you hide them from me?"

"Because..." Anna stopped herself. What if once the words left her lips they came true? Anna hadn't noticed that as she gave pause to her thoughts that John had moved closer to her.

"I wish you'd come out with it. Whatever it is you're keeping secret. It can't possibly hurt us anymore than this distance that has settled between us," John said as he held her arms. He stroked her arms reassuringly with his hands.

Anna smiled when she recognized his words as her own. "Because I worry I'll lose you too. I can't take another loss, John. Not you and not another baby. I can't get hurt if I keep my heart guarded," she reasoned.

"But that is no way to live. You taught me that. All those years ago when I stepped off the milk train and found a lovely lady's maid waiting behind the walls of Downton Abbey," he whispered into her ear. Her forehead was pressed against his shoulder. John hunched forward a little, being mindful of their difference in height, so she could perch her chin there. "And I will do my best to return the favor and show you every day what life has to offer us. That there is still a reason to live. Surely you must know that my darling."

Anna nodded her head inaudibly. "I do."

John chuckled slightly at the small victory. "We can still visit David. That doesn't have to stop. I won't keep you from him."

"I know," she replied. A wave of shame rushed over her that she had made her husband feel so insecure that he would even have to say such a thing. What other doubts had she put in his head? How else had she made him feel inadequate as she tried to keep him at a distance? Guilt coursed through her veins like ice and it threatened to take the breath from her lungs at the mere thought of being the one to hurt her husband in such a way.

"I think we need a break away from Downton. Nothing far or too long. But maybe a small trip to Thirsk or Ripon even. Perhaps a small trip to the village to get out of the house if the other suggestions seem too much for you," John offered, he tried not to sound too pushy. He waited with baited breath for her to reply.

She refused to let him go as she shifted in his arms. Eventually she leaned back and looked up at him with her crystal blue eyes that still held all the warmth of a summer's day. "That sounds lovely," Anna answered back.

It was a small step but John felt a surge of relief at her words. His muscles instantly slackened as he felt her body flush against his own. Her hands gripping his sides like she was hanging onto him for dear life. He only wished he'd spoken up sooner. They both needed this.

* * *

_Nearly two weeks later..._

John finished up a letter to Helen before Anna arrived home. He hoped that it would find her in good health and good spirits. He reported that Anna's health was as it should be and things were getting progressively better, not just for Anna, but between the two of them. John took every opportunity he had to spoil her and make her feel special. He started off by leaving little notes hidden around the cottage and in her personal effects that she might use throughout the day at Downton. In hopes that they would catch her at the right moment and brighten her day. Some were scrawled down with happy memories, others were declarations of love, and then there were dreams of the future. The latter was a topic they hadn't discussed in some time, but they had to start getting on with their lives somehow.

It was their first half day since their discussion in the graveyard and while it had taken some persuading, John managed to get Anna to agree to a day out on the town. They had some small errands to run, but John was set on buying her some new item of clothing as she very rarely made such purchases for herself. He also had made plans for them to enjoy lunch in a tea room on the edge of town and take in a picture show. John knew this was more activity than they usually engaged in, but he thought the distraction would prove useful.

Considering Anna hadn't ventured far from the comfort of their home since they lost the baby he thought it wise that they go a town or two over. John wanted to avoid Anna being berated with the same questions that had swirled around her absence and return to Downton. They settled on a trip to Ripon and enjoyed a walk about town. It was cool outside, but not quite winter yet. The chill caused John's knee to ache, but he would gladly endure it if it meant Anna was out of the house and enjoying herself. They walked past a few hat and dress shops and John finally coaxed her into trying on a navy blue dress that Anna had been glancing at out of the corner of her eye. "And what would I do with a new dress, John Bates?" she teased.

"Perhaps it will motivate your old husband to take you out more, if only for the privilege of seeing his wife all gussied up in such a frock," he said playfully.

She hated it when he belittled himself, but Anna didn't mind that he did it to get a rise out of her. "That's not fair. You think I look lovely in everything," she pointed out.

"Well we have the servants ball coming up this Christmas, you could wear it then. You looked smashing in your dress last year. You'll put all those upstairs ladies to shame in a dress like that," John said as he leaned his head on Anna's shoulder. He pressed a kiss to her cheek, "Come on love. Trying it on won't hurt anyone."

"Oh alright, I'll try it on," Anna gave in. Although deep down she did rather like John fussing over her and spoiling her. She imagined this is how it would have been had John been free to court her properly before their marriage.

She admired herself in the mirror and saw that her figure had already returned to what it was before the pregnancy. Not that she was showing much to begin with, but the bump that had once graced her petite frame was certainly gone now. Anna didn't cry, but she took a deep breath and reminded herself that this was supposed to be a day for them to enjoy themselves. She smoothed the fabric around her abdomen and realized that John had been right, it did look lovely on her. The dark blue contrasted well with her skin and complimented her light blue eyes. When she emerged and asked, "What do you think?" John was absolutely floored by the vision standing before him.

"You look absolutely marvellous," John answered back from the chair he was sitting in. He even insisted she stand on the small platform in front of the three piece mirror and give him a twirl so he could see it from all angles. "Quite frankly, I don't care what you say. I'm buying you this dress. It was made for you," John concluded.

"But John it's too much," Anna argued.

"I'll hear none of it. A man should be allowed to spoil his wife once in awhile. Would you like anything else to go with it?" he asked. "Some new shoes or a hat to go with it?" John offered with a waggle of his eyebrows.

She giggled knowing just how much he loved seeing her in her hats. "No, the dress is enough," Anna replied as she headed back into the changing area to remove the dress. She had to admit it was a spectacular piece of work, the color was perfection and the intricate beading down the front and back created the most lovely designs of flowers across her bust and down her back. Anna didn't have a hard time understanding why John found it so enticing.

By the time they finished up poking into a few shops and stopping off at the bookstore for John to glance at the latest titles it was already lunch time. They hadn't even realized how late it had gotten until Anna's stomach began to growl. "Glad to see your appetite is coming back," John commented with a grin. "We should stop off to get some tea," John said as he looped his arm for Anna to put hers through.

They had just placed their orders and been making idle chit chat about repairs that still had to be made around the cottage when something grabbed John's attention. A small toddler was sitting in a woman's lap not too far behind Anna. He smiled at the baby, but tried not to interact with the child too much, being ever mindful of how sensitive Anna might still be. Except once the child caught John's eye, the little boy kept waving at John and repeating "Hi." John finally gave in and waved back and repeated the sentiment. "Cute little fella," he commented.

Anna turned around and noticed the sweet cherub sitting in the woman's arms. He had blue eyes and dark hair. The little one was all smiles as he played with a small train along the back of the chair. Anna was instantly crestfallen, she bit down on her lip and held back the emotions that were slowly taking over her. When she looked back at John and saw the smile that graced his face and the way his eyes lit up she felt a pang of guilt settle in her stomach. Anna turned away and dabbed at her eyes. The delight that had been etched on her face most of the day was quickly wiped away. "I'm sorry. I was a fool to think we could put it behind us," she apologized. Her face suddenly turned to stone and her features returned to the rigid ones John had become accustomed to in the days following her miscarriage.

"My darling, you have nothing to be sorry for," John said as he instinctively reached across the table and took her hand in his own.

"I saw the way you looked at him. The little boy. You should be a father. I've robbed you of such a chance. And I'll only continue to do so; I don't think I have it in me to attempt to have another child," Anna whispered. "You should be with someone who can give you more."

John was surprised to hear such talk from her and in such a public place, but for the first time he was truly grateful that she was opening up to him and not locking herself away with her feelings. "You've robbed me of nothing. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and with the person who has given me more than I could have ever hoped to possess. The subject of fatherhood wouldn't even be on the table if I was sitting here with anyone but you."

John looked around to make sure no one was lurking about or could possibly hear their conversation as he lowered his voice even further. "We can try again whenever you are ready," he said with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

Anna quickly dismissed the notion. "You don't have to remind me," she uttered under her breath. A month after the incident the doctor had given Anna and John permission to try again. But Anna had been reluctant. One night as they had laid in their beds after the doctor had given his approval for them to resume their lovemaking, she had told John in hushed tones that she felt like less of a woman for not being able to have a baby. That he should be ashamed to share a bed with her. John had put an end to such talk and insisted she was every bit the lady he had met all those years ago. That if they never had children it wouldn't change how much he loved her in the slightest.

"We could adopt," he offered in a slow drawl. "If you don't want to try again that is." John hated the way he had to tiptoe around the topic as if it was something to be ashamed of. But he didn't want to offend her by suggesting such a thing.

Anna slowly nodded in understanding. It wasn't that she didn't love all of God's children, and perhaps it was a selfish notion but she wanted something that was a piece of him and her.

"Anna, the way the child came into this world makes no difference to me. There are plenty of children out there without a proper home and we could give them one. It would still be a piece of us, because we would raise it and love it as our own. And what greater gift is there than that to bestow on a child?" he asked. John certainly hadn't meant to guilt or pressure her. But he could not stand by helplessly knowing he hadn't explored every option to bring some shred of happiness back into his wife's life.

He knew she understood his words and saw reason in them, but that didn't make it any less easy for her to bear. An uncomfortable silence loomed over the table again. "Gwen asked about you," he said.

Anna's interest was piqued, but she remained quiet. She couldn't understand why her friend was talking to John. Not that they weren't friendly when Gwen still worked at the Abbey, but Gwen had been her friend first. Was everyone around her walking on eggshells and talking about her with John. Anna felt a flash of anger but realized that this was her own doing. She had pushed them all away and that wasn't like her.

He read her thoughts instantly and tried to put her mind at ease. "She was worried about you. Gwen had even written to Mrs. Hughes to see if you had been taken ill or left service. She said she's written you a few times but you don't respond to her letters. Did you have a falling out?" he asked.

"No. The last time I wrote to her was before...well you know," Anna said trying to make light of it before she burst into tears in the tea house. She felt John's hands cover hers under the table. "We were making plans to come visit her after the baby arrived. She already has one of her own now that's two years old and we thought it would be nice for the children to meet," Anna said regretfully as the tears pricked at her eyes. "And I...I didn't know how to tell her."

"Well that's understandable. I don't blame you," John said as he offered her his handkerchief. It was one that Anna had embroidered for him with his initials. She slowly dabbed at her eyes and tried to calm herself down. "I'm sorry I brought it up, it was stupid of me," John said in that self-deprecating tone that he had mastered to perfection over the years. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her further pain.

She quickly reached out for his hand and patted it gently, "No. John, you never have to be sorry. I don't want you to feel that you can't talk to me about things because you might upset me. It's always going to upset me, losing him. But I want to believe that it will get easier with time."

Her words flooded John's veins with relief. It was the first real sign that everything he had told her for the past few weeks was finally sinking in. John didn't want to push his luck, but it was worth mentioning. He felt his heart clench in his chest with fear that she might not receive his suggestion as well as he hoped. "I've been thinking...we don't have to do it now. But maybe when you're ready of course, we could look into searching for a hotel again…"

"No," Anna said as she shook her head violently back and forth.

"I just thought that maybe we need a fresh start," he suggested.

"No," she stood firm on the matter. "We can't leave David behind. It wouldn't be right."

John felt horrible now that he hadn't even considered that aspect of things. "Of course dear," John replied with a heavy heart. "Forget I even brought it up."


End file.
